Thursday, May 29, 2008

outlawed by the inlaws.

im always under the rosy impression that the saans of the saans bahu serials are characters that are beyond brain degradation,and are merely an over exaggerated anti thesis of the perfect happily ever after and simply a far from reality figment of the writer's imagination. as of now, i dont think im any where closer to agreeing or disagreeing with my "rosy impression". as opposed to the season of weddings, it is the season of inlaws. my sibling's inlaws are visiting, my pregnant and non pregnant friends and colleagues in-laws are visiting. my best friend's weekends are now filled with frequent visits to the inlaws and the inlaws visits.

so henceforth im absorbing a lot of information. in general, pple in this day and age,do get along with their inlaws. to the point where they are pretty pally with each other. and can actually bond on various things. and probably refuting the indignant expression of "why cant we just get along"

we can. and we do. as long as we know what each others boundaries are. and we stick to them. we stick well within them.

but then the day someone loses it. coz someone eventually does.since you are only human. then what happens? i might last a week, before i have some sort of massive fight with my own mom. despite whom i love very very much, i still have the right to disagree with. and if i cant be myself with my own mom, then thats just ridiculous. perhaps some pple might even say it borders on disrespect to disagree or even argue with your parents. and perhaps since im not a parent i dont understand that logic. but i do know when all said and done, and ive apologized (irrespective of whether i am wrong or right) its all forgotten. you look beyond that and despite all the frustrations and lack of getting each other - you get over it.

somehow it doesnt apply to someone else's parents. there is a thin line that one should never cross. and i mean that by in both sides. somehow things get a whole lot more personal. and sometimes its irreversible. my friend, who literally had to fight for a wedding of her own style, venue etc- may never be "forgiven". having communication problems with the prospective inlaws/inlaws may lead to pple think you are just snobby and stuck up and not simply awkwardly shy. you arent always given the benefit of doubt, where to your own parents - they understand thats just how you are. and they might not like it, but they accept it. with love.

this reminds me of a scene of my favourite cult film. dil chahta hai. there is a scene where akshay khannas mother goes something on the lines of (majorly paraphrased)

mother : tum *(corrected thanks sara) anju kei ghar nahin arei ho?
akshay khanna : nahin mein wahan bahot bore hota hoon.
mother: duniya mein bahot kam cheezein hei jidhar tum bore nahin hotei ho.

she asks him to come to the house of some relative, which bores him. And she answers with a sarcasm, which your parents would probably say, perhaps may force you to go witht hem - but after a point they do give up and they never ever hold it against you.

this isnt so applicable to your spouse's parents. things get a whole lot more personal. which leads me to the question, is it really true, that the inlaws behave differently with you, a non blood relative or is it just that you are more sensitive to your new set of parents?


Ashraf's Pen 10:56 AM  

It depends on what kind of in-laws. Nowadays the new bride is treated even better than a daughter by many. With small nuclear family the clinching factor becomes who the in-laws think the husband will support in case of a conflict.

Of course the saas bahu serials are an exaggeration. Mostly it is one side suffering.

Also I think in cases of more subdued conflict he problem becomes a turf battle between the bahu and saas over the control of the husband and the son respectively.

As for parents they can always forgive us coz they know us better.And its about the time invested. There is no formality in that relationship.

life of pi 6:28 AM  

you are absolutely right. Sometimes its the "poor husband" who has to pick sides. The real truth is though, that even though your husband (by you I man generically you) might be the most just and fair person in the whole wide world, asking him to pick a side between his parents and you, will always make you the bad guy. no matter how right you are or how wrong your in law is. and perhaps you may get him to pick your side, it will always come with a little bit of resentment.

you might criticize your parents how much ever, but you cant stand it if someone else does it. no matter how true it might be.

i dont understand why cant pple just let the other be. And let them do their own thing. And pple forget that one should do onto others what one should want done for themselves.

Anonymous,  11:04 AM  

from dil chahta hai, the mom asks him to come to his sister anju's house- if i recall correctly-
i think with your own parents you can be soo flip bordering on aggressive when saing no to stuf like boring parties and dinners but the in law relationships always remains a more delicately balanced one. i wish i could answer why. i think maybe th erelationships needs to be handled by the husband more- if you are the woman- and things like saying no to a dinner party be taken less seriously.

life of pi 12:31 AM  

Thanks Sara! Thats a good idea, letting the husband handle it, conditional to the fact that the husband is willing to have the conversation with his parents.

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