meinei dus saal pehlai yei zindagi chuni thi..thik hai mujhei todei bahot compromises karnei padei..magar compromise kaun nahin kar tha? [ 10 years ago, I decided on this life..alrite i had to do some compromises..but who doesnt do compromises?] - Rock On

i think i've always been wary of the word compromise. and sometimes will even vehemently deny that i have ever compromised and have only done whatever my heart has told me to. all or none. more none than all. yea rite. I do know that it is not the truth and albeit no major compromise but i and everyone have done so at some point or the other. some compromises have been done whole heartedly, some resignedly, some happily, some without realizing, some grudgingly. if something is too pricey in a store, we compromise by buying something cheaper.if we can't make a deadline so we compromise by showing only what we can complete. if we can't find a job we love, we compromise by taking something, anything, that helps us pay the bills. i always wanted to be a detective, now i think i should have gone to med school, there are times where I feel I should be a movie director or a script writer. But in never a million years I ever wanted to work in banking. I actually do like it, but I know I don't love it. Did I actually compromise?

i am tempted to say after all the stories i' ve been in or have listened to, the measure of success in life for most, is directly related to the amount of compromise you have done. success at work, brought about a lot of compromising of one's own free time and family time. in a city like dubai, 90% of the people working here dont like what they are doing. sure, they may make more money here, but many of them can't afford the luxuries here. The disparity in wealth is so obvious and at times depressing, at one hand you have people who are living in penthouses in high rises and then on the other hand you have 5 pple bunking together in a studio apt. and everyone thinks if they compromise now, bear the crap now, they will one day not ever have to compromise. others just know, that no matter what they do, things will never change for them and they compromise with their destiny and future too.

success in a marriage, a whole diff ballgame of compromising. a relative recently had a proposal, from her mothers friend's son. the families have totally different cultures and don't even speak the same language. but since the parents were friends, they thought this would translate among the kids as well. another case, a supposedly "gharelu" larka (whatever thats supposed to mean) entrepeneur in advertising owning several business possibly already having a girlfriend but his mother looks the other way and tries to find him a match that fits her sensibilities. who compromises eventually is yet to be seen. a typical punjabi meat eating sardarni bindass girl finds herself making vegetarian khana for her vegetarian husband. not only does she make it but now enjoys it and takes pride in the fact that she can make vegetarian parathas from scratch. a wide eyed romantic, idealist compromises to the fact that she probably wont ever fall in love with someone and love will have to happen after marriage, thats if it ever does. a decent, educated, respectful 25 year old boy rejected since the parents didnt want their daughter having to compromise and bear the burden of "interest sin" as the boy worked in banking ironically in a division absolutely nothing to do with interest.

sucess at parenthood/dinkdom(double income no kids). most people, when they decide to have a kid forego a lot of things that were taken granted, examples: the ability to hang out with just each other. ability to live the no structured, do on the spur of the moment things. I speak from the case where you don't have hired help or family to help you. the interesting thing is that most parents dont think this is a compromise and perhaps is the most selfless thing one has done and one will still never have it any other way and though there are those days where as a friend puts it of her 3 year old," sometimes she just irritates me so much i want to spank her bottom". she can't imagine her life without her 3 year old and how much love and joy the little kid has brought to her and her husband's life. a single parent friend takes so much effort, pain, a few dirty looks in the bargain for not showing up at work and planning her 5 year olds birthday. I dont even remember my 5th birthday and there's no way I would remember all what my parents did for me to make that day special. But parents do it wholeheartedly. And sometimes its very contagious, sometimes a few hours in company of kids can brighten your day too.

on the other hand you do have those who can't feel it until they experience it themselves too. another friend bluntly says that despite her being successful, hardworking, intelligent (made it through with a full scholarship) she is totally useless to her parents, parents who reside in a totally different continent. and therefore after all the energy, effort, love, money her parents spent in raising her she feels its all in vain. coz in her own words she is of no use to them now. and there is no point in having any children. her parents don't want her to return and stay with them, coz they know this is whats best for her career and also most importantly that her husband does reside there too and its now not just a single decision. perhaps even unconditional parental love is a sort of compromise, maybe not for the kid but for the parent?

how about success in your own health and well being (as in being fit). does it involve compromising good food, compromising lazy lamheins for heavy duty workouts.

the real question is in which compromise do you find meaning in and happiness in and realize its not actually a compromise but exactly what you needed and perhaps give it a new name, a decision that worked? and i dont know about everyone else, but the word for me itself has such a negative connotation - perhaps we are thinking it all wrong and perhaps compromising is actually a good thing? a. doing so you may realize that this is what you don't want or b. you realize that this is what you wanted all along.

inspiration for this post, mostly triggered by rock on's trailer.

heres a dekko below. looks like a good movie. courtesy a youtuber.

you can be your hero.

so recently I read an article on Muslim Americans (will try and search it out) on the challenges that the youth, especially educated women, face in finding a like minded spouse. I guess one can even argue that mostly a higher education will place you in a higher income bracket. and despite the whole women and men equality thing, there are very few women and men (yes both) who will be okay with the fact that the woman is earning more than them. The article as I remember points out, one girl's experience where a potential suitor made it clear that even if she is working, she should not use that as an excuse to "dump" some of the house work on him. I once spoke to someone who blatantly asked me within the five mins of the conversation "Do you believe in gender equality?". Didn't wait for a response, and placed his cards on the table right away by saying that he didn't believe in this "feminist nonsense" (err, okayyy? who said anything about feminism?) and "the woman is expected to be subservient to the man." Needless to say that pissed me off a lot, and not just me but my entire clan.

But if you think about it, it amuses me the fact that one feels that way when in reality no matter how progressive your spouse claims to be or how loving he is, you can never escape the fact that you probably as a woman will do more than half your share, without even realizing it or keeping count of it - because thats just the way it is. (sorry dont have a better reason) And sometimes, I dont even think that in some cases, that one may actually require this additional help by your husband. [ I speak from my own observations, I may be totally wrong]. My sister has given up on my brother in law's cooking and is like its just easier if I do it myself rather than him doing it (ie less wastage of food). But, it a. makes you feel good that your husband cares enough about you to help you and b. it gives that whole feeling of teamwork, and by team I mean both being on the same side. Perhaps Im romanticizing this a bit. But yes, equating this to subservient is not the same thing.

So if you aren't working, can you actually evade all this "mess" created by your working. Does it then become okay for the woman to shoulder all the household responsibilities. Because your "work" is deemed less important. From the example of the above guy, do you really think he would equate the wife's household work to his work at the office? Would he really understand and appreciate it? I think not.

of course perceptions are just perceptions, these basic theories that a higher education will ultimately give rise to a power struggle between the couple time and again get disproved but pple stick to the law that does not withold in every situation. a relative had to give up her promising future of dentistry for marriage followed by a move to another country where the degree is not even recognized. and her mom, ironically the woman, thinks this was the right decision, since "aagei jaa kar rishtei milna mushkil ho jata hai". i dont pass judgement, since what may seem logical to you may not be so to another person, each his own. it's never about the wrong or right decision, its more about the wrong or right decision at that particular time. another aquaintance, was extremely particular in choosing her daughter in law, her requirements were pretty straightforward, she should be a high school graduate and should be pretty. since her major fear, is a way too educated girl will try to usurp all the power, and the reign on the highly coveted son. ok im being too sarcastic now. long story short, the girl turns out to be all what she wanted and all what she didnt want. Time and again your perception will break, but you will still feed off from your prior judgement.

I try to equate this with a supposedly fallible financial model, time and again it will spit out some random output, exposing flaws in your fabricated model, and sometimes you will continue using it because it works most of the time and then sometimes you will break out of the mould, and come up with a completely new strategy.

so my question, yes there is this trend among muslim families that wasn't there before, a good trend of pushing children to get an education. But is there such a thing as too much education? How about the other trend, get married and then get an education?

now for some randomness, will be doing my yearly yatra to dubai. yayyy! Next post from the other side of the atlantic.

jaddon na kujh agge disse tahiyon bandaa vekhe picche- when you cant see ahead, you turn to look behind - Rabbi Shergill, Gill Te Guitar

I absolutely adore Rabbi Shergill's music. I think his solo album is absolutely great. And even his first attempt(at least I think it was) composing for movies, Delhi Heights, is a good album. So much better than the latest albums that sound the same. Sadly, I dont know why it didnt really get the kind of exposure that I thought it would get like AR.Rahman's first albums. Anyway, my favourite song has to be Gill te guitar. I think I appreciate it much more now since I know how hard it is to play the guitar and how much practice it takes. And now that Im trying to develop the "ear" for chords, you just get how talented the person must be to be able to play like that. You know how pple imagine their perfect wedding. My perfect wedding is for the couple to be able to play their acoustic guitars open-mic style, and yes all decked up in desi wear, for friends and family at the wedding. Rather than sitting aimlessly on a throne. Hopefully that will happen in my case.

Speaking of music, on a similar tangent(yes, the paradox), went to a ballet performance yesterday. I confess I am not particularly educated on ballet and its techniques, I took ballet as a kid when it was part of the curriculum (hahah). My parents were very enthusiastic about it and I started practicing even after school. But then something happened, I grew up and that took a backburner(repharse that wasnt even considered anymore). Plus you cant really do ballet with a potbelly. (and yes kids do have potbellies). You have to be super slim with not an extra ounce of weight to look good doing ballet. At least according to me. I did see nutcracker in Boston, two years ago or so and it didnt really impress me much. But last night's performance of Jewels was spectacular. There was no storyline as such, well there might be, Im just not educated enough on ballet or even the musical compositions on which the ballet is based. There were three pieces, each based on a particular jewel - emerald, ruby and diamond. And each piece's musc was based off a country, like the ruby composition was more american style jazz composition. People dont just go to see a performance, its a whole experience, nearly every one was formally dressed, the theatre itself is spectacular (wish I had got my camera!). Anyway, I dont think I have been converted to a fan of ballet (I do find it a little long), but I do have tremendous amount of respect and awe for it.

outlawed by the inlaws.

im always under the rosy impression that the saans of the saans bahu serials are characters that are beyond brain degradation,and are merely an over exaggerated anti thesis of the perfect happily ever after and simply a far from reality figment of the writer's imagination. as of now, i dont think im any where closer to agreeing or disagreeing with my "rosy impression". as opposed to the season of weddings, it is the season of inlaws. my sibling's inlaws are visiting, my pregnant and non pregnant friends and colleagues in-laws are visiting. my best friend's weekends are now filled with frequent visits to the inlaws and the inlaws visits.

so henceforth im absorbing a lot of information. in general, pple in this day and age,do get along with their inlaws. to the point where they are pretty pally with each other. and can actually bond on various things. and probably refuting the indignant expression of "why cant we just get along"

we can. and we do. as long as we know what each others boundaries are. and we stick to them. we stick well within them.

but then the day someone loses it. coz someone eventually does.since you are only human. then what happens? i might last a week, before i have some sort of massive fight with my own mom. despite whom i love very very much, i still have the right to disagree with. and if i cant be myself with my own mom, then thats just ridiculous. perhaps some pple might even say it borders on disrespect to disagree or even argue with your parents. and perhaps since im not a parent i dont understand that logic. but i do know when all said and done, and ive apologized (irrespective of whether i am wrong or right) its all forgotten. you look beyond that and despite all the frustrations and lack of getting each other - you get over it.

somehow it doesnt apply to someone else's parents. there is a thin line that one should never cross. and i mean that by in both sides. somehow things get a whole lot more personal. and sometimes its irreversible. my friend, who literally had to fight for a wedding of her own style, venue etc- may never be "forgiven". having communication problems with the prospective inlaws/inlaws may lead to pple think you are just snobby and stuck up and not simply awkwardly shy. you arent always given the benefit of doubt, where to your own parents - they understand thats just how you are. and they might not like it, but they accept it. with love.

this reminds me of a scene of my favourite cult film. dil chahta hai. there is a scene where akshay khannas mother goes something on the lines of (majorly paraphrased)

mother : tum *(corrected thanks sara) anju kei ghar nahin arei ho?
akshay khanna : nahin mein wahan bahot bore hota hoon.
mother: duniya mein bahot kam cheezein hei jidhar tum bore nahin hotei ho.

she asks him to come to the house of some relative, which bores him. And she answers with a sarcasm, which your parents would probably say, perhaps may force you to go witht hem - but after a point they do give up and they never ever hold it against you.

this isnt so applicable to your spouse's parents. things get a whole lot more personal. which leads me to the question, is it really true, that the inlaws behave differently with you, a non blood relative or is it just that you are more sensitive to your new set of parents?

Its not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves - Edmund Hillary


So this weekend was the memorial day weekend, and as much as I have tons and tons of stuff to study, I ditched that and decided to head out with a couple of friends to a mountain near the hudson river. Which apparently is voted as one of top 10 trails in US.An hour an half drive from new york. What I was prepared for was a relaxing hike up the mountain, with well etched routes and clear pathways that require nothing more than good shoes and bottled water. What I was not prepared for was a super difficult hike up, lots of rock climbing, and being on all fours while climbing the super difficult mountain, chapped hands, legs, knees, knowing that one wrong move can result in serious injury (liable to breaking my head on some heavy rocks), shivering knees, quaking inside. What I had not prepared for was also realizing that one needs only the will and one can do anything. Being put in a do or die situtation, you can and will do what it takes and will conquer your fear. What I was not prepared for was that feeling of exhiliaration and happiness mixed with feeling of dread (How the hell were we going to get down this steep thing). What I was not prepared for was the feeling of I-dont-think-I-will-do-this-for-a-while to a deep down super happy feeling of doing something that I will be proud of forever.

I belong to a life of contradictions. Heres a dekko at some of our pictures and some video from youtube.(Thanks to the youtuber) (The video is not ours)

thats just the way it is..some things never change.

i think i now know why i absolutely love new york city. in my lunch break, me and a good friend stepped out, beautiful springish-summery day, and in front of the building next door (apparently the first skyscraper in the city) was a band playing this beautiful song by Bruce Hornsby. We just stood there transfixed, at the whole energy of the place. You have people walking on the street on their lunch break, doing their own thing, most pple in their suits (since its a very banking centric location) and right spat in the middle you have this live band playing great music. And then you have the smell of freshly made samosas, thanks to a desi cart selling packaged lunch boxes, right around the corner. Awesome. Some people, like us, standing and staring - others stepping out of the glass doors and making a direct beeline to the few rows of chairs kept in front of the band, for the convenience of the audience.

Just sooo nice. Sometimes, some thing as small as that can make your day.

Today also marks my first anniversary at work. i cant believe its been a year already. I dont think I have gained as much as knowledge as you would expect to gain (you know the kind you expect, when you are still a student and optimistically (is this a word? ) think that you can change the world singlehandedly). In fact, i really dont know how these 12 months just slipped away. And, I dont really have anything to show for it. or rather anything im super proud of. And it seems like yesterday, I wore my favourite suit to work, and was introduced to a million pple only to forget their name a minute later. But, thats the thing about time, it waits for noone, and thats just the way it is. =)

u r a fever, u ain't born typical.

this week, i had my first "sick" day of the year. i played the get out of work card. i was really not up to going to work.and hence had to make up some mild sickness (coz I have to go back the next day). my excuse? something which had not been used and abused like food poisining and something that doesnt require proof of sickness like a cough or cold even. so i chose ear ache and a fever. but truthfully, i had lots of studying to do and most importantly was just not emotionally upto it.

after a huge fight with a sibling, of which i have learnt that two wrongs will never make a right. i just felt super sad, that I lost my temper so badly - which I rarely lose. everything is hunky dory now as it can only be with your siblings or parents after a fight. But something in me snapped and it was just chaos. and the next day at work, I didnt feel good at all.

I wonder why in places like the West, where everything is laced with a certain amount of emotion ie Don't like something, protest it. Don't like someone, tell them. Dont like the parking ticket you got, contest it vigorously. Don't like your boss, complain to them about them.

So then why can't something like I was not emotionally upto it serve as an acceptable reason to not go to work. In Japan, there is something called heart-ache leave, time off after a breakup with a partner and the more older you get the more "sick" days in the heart-ache category that you get. To take it up a notch- science (various studies and medical practitioners can back this up) says that a broken heart can lead to considerable heart damage thereby causing heart failure.



One of the reasons, I think that here in the US, such a thing is not considered because pple strongly believe that business and personal issues should not mix. and one should leave their distractions. and of course heart outside work. and one should immerse themselves completely into their work, despite all the stress you are in on the inside. coupled with the fact, that sometimes its so much easier to say you aren't well then having to explain how badly you did on a test/a fight with a parent etc.

i guess i need to start a petition for sick leave in the emotional-issues-pls-dont-ask-unless-i-tell-u category.

now for some total randomness. below is a video of my current favorite track. yes a little dark and quite weird too. i am not so much a fan of the video, but i really like the song. They are an anglo-american indie rock band called The kills.