and just like that you become 'the mrs'.

so i got married three weeks ago. its still has not hit me (or us for that matter). i mean for one things have hardly changed. i feel like myself. i am my crazy annoying self (at times). and i dont for one bit feel mature or like how people say you are supposed to feel as a married person. the part where you are overwhelmed with emotion did not happen to me at all, h gets so mad at me that i was laughing throughout the civil ceremony which happened a week earlier than the nikkah. where he actually shed a tear (so he says hahah)

i mean with all due respect, and i truly mean that with the bottom of my utmost heart, to those couples who get married in city hall. i really think they are doing the right thing by cutting out all the unnecessary expenses (and then splurging on a nice honeymoon in the carribean islands - ok i dont know if pple do that am just saying). i think it makes sense. but i really dont think it should be the only celebration of your wedding its just really bureaucratic. so anyway we went on thursday the 1st of september to get our license to get married. its a bit of an unnecessary process (in my humble opinion) since you are supposed to really have your minds made up that you want to get married ( you know thats why you are there or to witness someone doing that i suppose), so the fact that you have to wait 24 hours after you get your license is a bit crazy i mean what are you going to get cold feet after you see the throes of pple getting married. anyways, we wait in line and finally get called after a nearly 2 hour wait (crazy busy with nyc relaxing same sex marriage laws) and are given some forms and asked to come back the next day or upto 21 days after with our two witnesses. then after our license expires and we apply again.

so the next day we come back, im working till 2 that afternoon and have to get there by 3, so its a bit crazy. no, im not a workaholic (ok maybe a bit) its just that everything was going wrong that day and everyone just had gazillion requests which i had to complete and i really had to come into work since i had to. h was really nice about it and i think that reassured me im doing the right thing (:)) anyway im wearing my nicest dress that i possibly own (yea modcloth!) people are like why you all dressed up and i give them the whole oh im getting married in city hall kind of blurb and they are all like okay what you doing here - ugh, now i cant wear that dress again to the office , ir eally want to do though :( and i also have two big gigantic fat fat pimples on my face (After being pimple free for the last three months) - believe you me these things appear when you least want them to when you really dont want them to or you think you are getting too old to deal with this crap it comes at you with a vengeance (hate you so much acne) , its never when you dont haev impt stuff going on. and ok dear reader (whoever you may be - possibly me four years later) you may think this is a gross exaggeration, but they really were huge and the night before i had tried a gazillion remedies from the internet (i love you!) and i think the best remedy now to reduce your acne without leavign a scar maybe hot tea bags and iceing and perhaps aloe vera. i m not sure which one works it could be one of them or al of them. but anyway it didnt really help for the next day but the day after (but of course!).

anyways i leave work, after my boss says dont you have somewhere impt to be, im like yes and leave and am so glad and relieved that im going to be away from work for a blissful 2 weeks. me and h take the train to city hall and my friends come over as our witnesses. we take some cheesy pics, they have a nice poster as a background, im notsure what the building is but h humoured me and we took some really nice poses (im so glad we did that) no matter how cheesy you think something is just do it anyway since delete is so much better than regret. anyway we waited for our number , which turnedo ut to be 786, and ok ok i know there is really no islamic significance to that number, but growing up i thought there was so its really quite surreal that turned out to be the number. anyway, we wait for our number, the officiant calls us. she looks really bored like shes been doing this all day and for years(probably), there was a mix of pple waiting, a european couple the girl wore a really sweet white peasant dress and the guy relaxed jeans and shirt. you can really make out whose american and not, all the american couples were all glamed up, dressed in their finest, and then there was an asian gay couple dressed in plaid. we went after this chinese couple who took literally 2 minutes, we took maybe 2.5 :). the officiant lets us in and does the regular do you take etc. she asks h first and hes trying to be super serious and says i do and then its my turn and just to create some drama i hesistate and im like umm (my friend n is like crap) and then of course i said just kidding i do. the officiant is only slightly amused. then we are hugging and all smiling and exchanging rings and that was it. we ask her if we can take a picture with her, shes like oh ok like nobody really asks her to do so. and then just like that i am/we are legally married.

we then rush off to pick my sister and niece up at the airport. we cant find any cab, we flag a town car the driver is pakistani, we force him to eat our sweets (which i had bought with me). we get our car and drive to the airport. from then on everything is a super blur, meeting with caterer (super ugh), banquet manager, florist, picking out h's tie and shoes, picking people from airport, getting everyones accomodation, going to city tour with the family.

the day before we had the mehendi and i had arranged for the mehendi food that day in the morning super stressful (they also refused to deliver- just great). i have to get my hair done, force h to get his hair cut (he relented which was great since the guy who cut his hair was really awesome), i did use artificial nails since my nails were bitten to the bone and i have to say it doe slook really natural (and beautiful) but uncomfortable since im not used to nails on my fingers. i was really not into in the beginning (mainly since i was late to my own mehendi) but my sister forced me into putting them and im so glad she did but we did create a mini scene at the nail salon. The asian salon lady sideing with me saying its her wedding, i relented then (reverse psychology has its impact onme). some randomn girl asked me are you have an arranged marriage (no child all indians do not have arranged marriages and frankly there is nothing wrong with it. somebody at work asked me that too, since she had no clue i was getting married and i had never used 'my boyfriend', 'my fiance' in any conversation with her. then again i do look like the chupa rustom types hahahaah .ok i kid.

anyhoo moving along, the mehendi food was a hit and everyone was gushing on how tasty everything was. of course if i didnt put mehendi in my own mehendi party it would be sacrilegous so i ended up putting mehendi as well. barely though. i put in two hands on my palms arabic style. the mehendi wali was so frustrated with me and couuldnt understand why i didnt want to put the crazy bridal mehendi. and why i kept hurrying her up.ever since i was a kid the smell realy put me off. the mehendi wali then decided that this was a good time to write h's intial on my palm (super cheesy) (he couldnt find it let it be known you need to spell it out), then (really sweet of her ) but she takes out this gajra (flowers ) that you are supposed to tie on the hand of the bride and tells my mother in law to do that. and im like what nooooooooo but i oblige. thanks very much mehendi wali. but i have to say pple usually do their jobs and want it to be as least work as possible. but she was super enthu and even got mad at me when i smudged it a bit.

ok so the next day now, we were up at the godly hour of 5:00 am, after praying 2 rakats thats when it sank in a bit, i guess when you are talking to God you are talking to yourself as well. but after prayer it was again a blur. the make up person came at 5 and having to deal with so many ladies im sure was super exhausting for her. especiallyw hen pple dont like their make up. h came too and she powdered him a bit and got rid of some facial hair. and then rushing off to the venue where we were super late. thankfully the imam was already there. it has been super hard for us to find an imam who will do our wedding at a venue. what is up with imams in new york. the imam we had hired flaked on us, citing an "emergency" three days before. and that too after we called him. and he was so clueless. i dont get it really i just dont cmon you are supposed to be a religious leader, get with the program. so we found this guy after hounding him continously every hour. my mom and sister went to see him and gave him a deposit so that he would def show (well it didnt really stop the previous imam from flakign on us), his parting words to my mom and sister were (n urdu something of the effects of) - if my life is there then ill come.
ok dramatic. so my plan b was to make my borther in law the officiant, if he doesnt show.
thankfully he showed in a limo that too. style man.

anyways once i got the the venue, it was super rush to the bridal suite . pple were already there and i got changed inmy blingy dress. we forgot the orni that i was supposed to walk under. in retrospect i wish i had made the ceremony a little more interesting. we did not have any speeches of any sort, we went directly in twos to the aisle it also seemed a little bit of a performance which we also did not want but i think people expect some time of performance. the imam read ayats which we repeated and then gave a dua and then we agreed to marry each other three times, we signed my dowry (eeps mahar is not dowry )but thats how he translated it being 2911 (our original civil ceremony date)
my coworker later told me that he was scared that someoen around would see the imam and called the cops since it was in upstate new york. im not sure why he thought that but whatever. we then did our couple pics and i really really then wanted to elope and just go home and relax. ie leave my own party but instead h forced me to go inside.

after lunch, we had dancing which is really non traditional for our family at least. in india its normally eat meet the couple and chaltei bano but this was fun coz so many coworkers went a little crazy dancing and that was so fun to see. as always i was super shy whereas h is super brave but i stil managed to do a first dance with my two left feet. secretly i wanted to do a group dance to the suraj ki bahon mein song from zindagi na milegi dobara, and i probably could have made pple do it but was too exhausted to plan and coordinate anything. i think i only started relaxing at 400 when everyone had practically left and it was just my family and few friends.all in all everything went by fast and of the few moments i do rmember i remember laughing a lot, which i think is always a good thing.

i really cant believe that im married. but if i can believe it, im so glad to be married to h.:)

Read more...

so, this was round 2 of the snow disaster that happened in the city during christmas break. i was so hoping for a snow day, hell i even slept at 12 (late for me nowadays) and woke up at 5 am to check work email for a sign (read email) from anyone who had the authority to say work from home ( read: wear pjs and laze away in bed while watching bad daytime tv).

i so miss daytime tv. the no nonsensness (!) of judge judy, the annoying women trying to talk all at once on the View, the hunger inducing cooking shows leading to overeating. oh and ofcourse oprah.

speaking of oprah, it totally pays to be an oprah fan. apparently 300 of her fans got an all paid trip to australia with john travolta thrown in as the pilot. (that may be the only downside of the trip). but anyways knowing my luck even if i had invested a gazillion hours of my life watching oprah, i probably would never have won anything anyway. i recently entered a contest for writers, with the lalaj of getting an ipad. yes, the inbetween of a laptop and a phone. i was completely bowled away by the cuteness of the keyboard (the add on devices that make it into a laptop).anyways of a grand total of get this, 53, i manage to win NOTHING. Nearly 30 people or so won something or the other, but me nope. ok wait i take that back, i have won a bingo contest in ooty (read two fat ladies 88), playing against 5-10 year olds. im glad to say my attention span is a little bit better.

ok so this was a bit of a random post, but thats ok its good to be random once in a while.

Read more...

i didn't mean any of it

the heaviness of the heart
the path of a dried up tear
a throbbing headache
and you wonder
if this is worth it

time substituting for glue
and letting go makes it harder
how do u open a tightly sealed envelope
without ripping
scars unhealed resurface
conversations
become
discussions
become
arguments
become
dislike
which
eventually
become
nothing

we live for ourselves
we live with this fear
that it should not
go wrong
but it
still
does
and then it hits you
after the
lost pieces of heart,
words stabs,
confusion carps,
smudged eyeliner on cheek,
a wave of
relief

Read more...

Kill the messenger

I'm seriously hating this week well for one there's been more of the double dip feeling going on and that  the world is going to the dogs. It's hard to make money now with the internet basically my theory is the faster news travels the fewer the arbitrage opportunities. So my suggestion is cut out all the news channels. Right theres my alph strategy right there.
Anyways so this week sucks for that and of course lest i forget to mention how pple literally don't care at work, showing up all dressed up for interviews, yes interviews at other firms . Dude show some discretion, really. i feel like the last of the Mohicans or the last man standing or whatever the equivalent of that is - you get my drift. I want to say I'm the equivalent to a loyal munshi in the Akbar era but that's just euphemism for I'm scared as hell to interview. And of course to answer the age old question of how much bullshit is reaalllly there in me. Apparently not a whole lot.
Between juggling exams ( I hate you so much ), pls God help me. And getting dumped with thrice amt of work thanks to pple leaving getting fired ( I miss my lunch time of reading bollywood news gossip ie my 10 minute of me time ). Coupled with trying to find a possible date, aggreable to everyone , to get married and to finally live in the same city without killing each other.

Life is involving way too much juggling. If I stop decide to close my books, decide to quit work and then elope. I'll probably fail become illegal and my mom will disown me. But would I be happier ( insert alternative rock music) ?
Most definetly not .

Read more...

swallow it down, jagged little pill

so a little late, but i just heard about the mathematician Grigori Perelman who was awarded the Fields medal, in 2006 - basically the math equivalent to the oscars, but decided to reject it. someone in the committee spent a day or two trying to convince him, that there was no harm, in taking an award for solving one of the most complex mathematical problems to date. in fact it took mathematicians years to figure that his solution was actually correct..anyway more recently though, he rejected a million dollars for winning the millenium prize problem.


ok seriously, who does that?

i took abstract algebra on a lark in my undergrad years during summer school ie when the homeworks are longer, weeks are shorter and you are practically living and breathing those three courses that you signed up for .i can say for sure it was one of the most challenging courses i took and even after the course was over, i was confused on whether i actually learnt anything at all, forget the practicality aspect.

on a randomn but similar track (aah the confusion!) is this news article about a european girl who woke up from a coma and started speaking fluent german despite knowing very little german prior to the coma

which brings me to the question. very simplistically, are we really all geniuses (or in fact is being genius the norm,ie we haven't scratched the surface of our potential), and all we need is to figure out the correct wiring of our brain, in order to trigger our geniusness?

Read more...

i love this song so much, it speaks to me.

you owe me nothing

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet you wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
-Alanis Morisette


you can make me feel insignificant
and ill bear it
you can be oblivious to me
but i wont say anything
you can be uncaring
but thats ok, since u know ill still care
you may decide to skip me and choose over me
and ill understand it
you can choose to be moody with me - always with me
but, don't worry, ill get it
you will not budge from what you want, even if it will make me happy
but, i don't expect it
you may be insensitive to me, maybe you realize it, maybe you don't
but i wont say anything, just blog about it
since it doesn't matter
coz
you owe me nothing
i give you thanks for receiving its my privilege
and you owe me nothing in return

Read more...

je crois que c'etait mon idee

anyways its been a long long time since i blogged and i promised myself i would not abandon my blog no matter how uneventful/eventful my life gets. so here goes ,couple of randomn thoughts, i will try to ignore the fact that i actually blog when im a. supremely bored b. have nothing better to do, oh wait thats a. again. c. have to study and don't feel like it.

so anyway today i was studying at barnes and nobles for a long time. the first hour was spent reading michael lewis's new book, the big short. so far im giving it a B, i mean its a lot of subprime mess started eons ago, subprime mess bad, etc etc but noone really is explaining where exactly in the math things went wrong. and i hoped this book would shed some light. but anyway im just a quarter done so im hoping itll answer some questions. so i read that, got a mild headache, not coz of the book, just in general so i went downstairs to the starbucks area thinking crap i have to actually order coffee related stuff which i dont drink, yes yes i know they have food. so i notice these two chairs and i sit on one of them, placing my books on my lap trying to study. after 2 minutes or so, an elderly man im guessing 50 maybe comes over sits there and proceeds to just stare at everyone. just stare. i glance up at him from time to time and ok im not proud to say this but it really felt like one of those people who go crazy one day and start shooting randomnly in a public arena. im sure there is a word for this some kind of weird profiling. but anyway i did feel like that. i got up after a while and found a desk to sit at. this guy finally moves goes to the men's "interest" section and ogling at weird magazines. then walks away. im still very uncomfortable, i guess my question today is when someone does something to you that crosses into discomfort zone you have every reason to a. punch them in the face or b. complain to someone who will but how about those who you just have an inkling about and where you don't know for sure. but your gut tells you that. should you trust that? just coz pple say one should follow their gut. or is your gut so influenced by mainstream media anyway and anyone different is programmed to be regarded with suspicion? unfairly, meanly and just plain plain plain wrongly.

Read more...