eid mubarak! May you all have a blessed and relaxing eid.

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"nostalgia was their crack cocaine" - mohsin hamid's the relunctant fundamentalist.

so i went to philly this weekend, to spend time with the familia. and then on saturday, we went for taraweeh prayers at a school converted into a mosque. one of the biggest islamic schools of the country. after a long time, i felt quite spiritual and connected to God. I think the fact that you follow along with the words during prayer really makes a difference. your mind doesnt wander and for that moment you understand. anyways, being the new kid in the mosque, my sister warned me of the stares and the glances and the 'casual' inquiries by the aunties "woh kaun thi" ( insert the song woh kaun thi). my sister and her friend have devised a seeminly innoncently devious plan when they are accosted the next day with questions about me to dodge it with a kaun aunty, humnei tau kisi ko dekha nahin, koi bhin nahin tha. Muhahahah.

anyway, after maghrib prayers we headed to the iftari area and ended up randomnly sitting with people from the interfaith program. people from other faiths, who sometimes fast for a day in ramadan, and come to an iftari and maghrib prayer, observe and learn about islam. needless to say, i felt the most comfortable among them, far more so than with my muslim peers and random muslim aunties. topics of discussion were , the presidential debate, how obama is actually a muslim (not), deep literary references to harry potter (thanks to my sister's wit), math, professors boring students, kids who are scared of santa claus look alikes and how being a quant is no more the in thing
whereas with my muslim peers its mostly restricted to a. am i married? b. how old am i? c. and then my siblings age and because they are married, do they have kids?. ok, seriously WHY do you care, you probably will never see me again, why do you care? my brother in law thinks its just a mindset and its the equivalent to asking an unknown kid their age. for the record, i have done that. i have asked the standard questions that one asks a kid, what age, what grade are you in, what is your name, whats your brother's name. But, I have asked a lot more questions that that too.

so on the bus back, i reread the relunctant fundamentalist. i tend to reread a lot of my books, like i rewatch a lot of crap movies. everytime i reread i find something new in it. somehow there is so much i can identify with it. the confusion, the fitting in then not fitting in, the what-do-i-really-want-from-this situation, the suddenly scary moments where you just dont care.

anyways, i momentarily put the book back in my bag, when i had to transfer to the train station. at the train stop, i was shifting my duffel bag on one arm and trying to take out the book from my handbag, when just like that from a scene they show in movies, the duffel bag falls, not beside me, but on the train tracks. The train platform is so much higher than the train tracks and there is no way I can reach for it without actually jumping down to get it and possibly getting a high voltage shock. and even if i did jump down, and survived the voltage shock, how do i get back up again? For a moment im shocked coz I cant believe that this has happened. I curse myself for standing so close to the edge and Im even going "shit shit shit". outloud. A small crowd starts gathering around my area, everyone including me is watching my duffel bag like its going to miraculously airlift itself from the tracks. Finally some guy breaks the silence and is like you will have to ask the station head. And Im like great so much for reaching home in 2.5 hours. the usual why do these things happen to me, whats the most i can lose few clothes? thankfully it wasnt my handbag (the bright side of things), there are rats that scurry around the tracks, i have to do the equivlent of lysoling my bag, blah blah.

I tell the lady at the station counter, while trying to be the i-cant-believe-this-happened-i-really-dont-know-how-it-did. someone then starts yelling "miss miss someone retrieved your bag". i think i gave my brightest 100 watt smile then. and thanked the lady at the station counter and the lady who gave me this news and i see the train coming as well (less people will be staring at the dumb girl who dropped her bag on the train tracks once im on the train). i run towards the platform, and reach just as the train has pulled over the station. the lady who initially gave me the good news, goes this guy retrieved your bag. i look at him to thank him, but he has already disappeared into the crowd and i only now see the back of his head for a split second. I take my bag, wondering who he was, and board the train.





hah. ok i kid, the last part is just a scene for my potential movie. what actually happened, an alternate ending if you will, is some guy retrieved my bag with his huge umbrealla, this is the last time, i will crib about rain, all hail rain. And I thanked the good samaritan.

today's word of advice : dont stand close to the edge of the train platform.

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itna nei poocha, kei mera khud sawal hai (so many asked, that now i have a question.)

so its 3:33 am. weird that im awake. but more weird that i noticed the exact time. but i did sleep at 7:30 pm so that kind of explains why im waiting for it to be 6, rather than being grateful for three more glorious hours of beauty sleep. also its begun to rain and it will probably rain all of tommorow. correction, all of today. having lived most of my life in a deserty, summery, humidy region i wait for the rains impatiently, even though others think its gloomy - i actually love it. but after having lived here for three years at a stretch, i understand why the weather has a major affect on people, and the novelty of arriving drenched at work is starting to wear off. =)

just finished watching an episode on grey's anatomy. its not the first time ive felt like blogging after watching grey's anatomy. i know, terribly cliched. but it just makes me think. theres a line in on eof the episodes, where 'christina yang', a surgical resident, goes something on the lines of - there are no friends here, no teams everyone is looking out for themselves. i love this line. coz i think it is so true. there really are no friends. when i started working here i was very much sold to the naive idea, that i will make superb friends at work. friends, that one day will become best friends, who i will probably open partnerships with someday. friends who i can trust blindly. my bubble, like the financial bubble, has been close to bursting. sure, you are cordial with each other and are polite. but theres this undercurrent of competitiveness which tires me out. this constant of others proving to you, how smart they are, testing you on how smart you are. seriously, i get it - you are smarter than me, i dont deny that, in fact i appreciate that you are smarter - but proclaiming that to the world is just not cool. its just mean. usurping other's projects, taking it personally that someone took your project, letting in purposely through forced conversations on how you helped someone do something small, something tinier than small - not cool, taking things for granted, taking people from granted. being sarcastic for no reason. being too sensitive. thinking too much and not just being who you are. being a wannabee. being someone who likes to show off how popular they are. being someone who likes to point out of how others deem you as popular. not cool. being someone who keeps track of hos many brownie points you are being allocated by your manager. being anything but yourself. being only yourself without caring about others feelings.

but what troubles me more, other than the above. is the fact that i find myself changing too and adjusting to this. and sometimes behaving like the above. and i dont like it. case in point: someone asks me to work on something on the last moment. i have to work till 2 am to finish it - but im pissed that i was told on the last moment. normally, i would let it slide, but when that someone makes a comment that i was up late - and more of a sarcastic like so you were showing off kind of tone- i comeback with a i knew about it only on the last moment. and the person come backs with the "i told you in the morning" and i come back with a "yea but i had some other stuff to finish as well". i normally would never come back it. i would berate myself, for not thinking ahead, coz i could have thought ahead. it is end of month, i could have thought of doing it myself, irrespective of whether it was needed. i have always truly believed in competing against yourself, if ive done a bad job its not coz everyone else has done a better job than me. its coz ive done a bad job.

but i took it personally and i comebacked. and that bugs me.

it bugs me, that im not the best i can be. it bugs me, that i find myself comparing. and just staying within the lines, lest it offends someone, lest i look like im showing off, lest i make a fool of myself. it bugs me, that im resorting to cop outs. i dont like it. theres a line in some movie, i know i get all my lines from entertainment, that if you become a doctor, be the best doctor that you can be , if you become a grass cutter become the best grass cutter you can be. whatever you do, be the best at it. dont be mediocre. at my grad school dinner speech, one of my favouritest professors, said dont be average in what you do, make a difference. and dont do it for the three f's. fame fortune and family.

do it for yourself. and if you cant do it for yourself, just dont do it.

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today..you were far away..and i..did not ask you why.

this week, has been a tiptoeing week for all. its like you are but a card admist the pyramid of cards, and you can just watch sympathetically as pyramids of cards just come crashing down. and you feverently hope, that its not your pyramid which is next. there is no arrogance among anyone, it really could happen to anybody. considering banking culture, hell any culture, where someone tries something and it makes money and then thereforth begins the whole copycat syndrome where banks try to initiate the same product or lure those pple who started it all into their domains. its more widespread than anyone can think. key is to remain afloat though. if someone is losing money, someone on the other side is gaining. lehman brothers considered one of the most pretigious companies to work for, their whole recruiting scene is not based on fluff and how articulate and engaging you are. the year i graduated, they just picked the first 4 rankers from Columbia University. That was it. That's all you needed, intelligence.

As I read on various message boards about Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and lehman's shares plumetting and people losing years of investment and are super anxious. some even write they dont know how to face their families after they have lost huge amount of money. Which makes me ask, how different is the stock market from gambling your money away. I know this seems a much too harsh question to ask, since the probabilities of gambling and losing is much higher than the probabilities of losing in the stock market.

The Fed stepped in and bailed out Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. Immediately people felt a lot more confident, some agitated since they know that taxpayers will eventually bear the brunt. The Fed is being pressurized to help out Lehman too. Again there are lot of comments for and against this. If the Fed helps Lehman too, it will be the case of not if, but who's next? And then the whole argument, this is corporate America, if your car company goes bust, the Fed does not step in to clean your mess. Why does it do it for banks? Coz they are related? If the Fed doesn't help Lehman and asks the big banks to help, which it currently seems to be doing,
someone will try to buy it out - but catastrophic issues can be foreseen with that too, who is to say who currently is strong enough to do so?

My sympathy lies with employees and investors of these firms. People who are unsure whether they will have a job/portfolio worth nothing tommorow. Management will make these decisions and will pocket tons of money, as severence pay, compensation, etc. And will even find high profile jobs in other companies after everything goes bust. But the regular employees will suffer and along with them the investors. The two biggest problems are lack of knowledge and panic. Both are extremely powerful and can ruin even the most solid of firms.

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coming home

this labor day i ventured out to the west coast, LA to be precise for four days. as part of a change, and secretly for a feeling the waters kind of thing, to be part of something that would cater to my nomadic existence. one thing i learnt after this vacation, ok well two things, is that i consider new york city now home, perhaps not yet home home but still some kind of home and the second thing how life is not always about work. sometimes its ok to slow down and watch the ships sail away.

so other than doing the typically touristic things, hollywood highland, not seeing any celebrities, standing in line for jimmy kimmel tickets and not getting them [ being approximately the fourth from the point of cutoff - yes kids, not everything in hollywood has a happy ending =0) a classic case of haath ko aya par mun na laga ], santa monica boulevard (yep famous from the Sheryl Crow song), a comedy club (started and ended badly-perhpas its just me and my lack of understanding american wit and humor, or maybe its just them haha), eating self cooked food at a japanese restaurant cooked in a pot (what will pple think of next, its only time they cut out the middle man and have us go to a ginormous fridges in restaurants and get out our food and put it on plate and then sit down to eat with each other). However, that being said I did enjoy it, there is a certain intimacy in sitting down with perfect strangers on a round table, each having their own tangential conversations. but my favourite had to be the universal studios tour (im a kid by heart. ok scratch that. overgrown kid by heart). growing up, i have always shyed away from the typical adrenalin pumping simply awesome scream till your lungs cant breathe roller coaster rides. what a shame. so i decided this time, if people a quarter of my height (yep i am that tall, alrite fine im mildly exaggerating) are going on these rides, how bad can it be. and seriously most of the rides were fun, quite a few heart flip flops, stomach flip flops but before you realize it its over. that and my eyes were firmly shut for 3/4 of the time. next time, will try again with one eye open. =)

now for some sad news, i lost my camera. ironically for someone who is not very camera friendly both in front or behind, i made the effort of actually charging my camera and bringing it with me every day but the last day all because i dont want to forget. the mind is such that it only stores the most happiest moments or the most saddest moments, and not the just happy moments which really are worth remembering too. so more than the actual camera being lost, im more sad about my photos and my remembering that i was here in LA.

so now i do the next best thing- i blog. hopefully when i come back and read this it will remind me of my west experience.

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"know when to walk..know when to walk..know when to walk..away"

haven't blogged in eons. been super busy at work..but not the good kind of busy..working is just hard..and the more i htink about it..the more convinced i get that i should have my own business..i should be the boss of me. i should be able to get to work whenever i want to..i should be able to not be scared to fall and screw up..the thing is everyone, including me, is loooking for a quick fix. something which will require least amount of effort, and maximum reward. i dont think such a thing exists. it only exists if you truly madly deeply love your work and dont realize its actually "effort". many of these thoughts mainly arise when i have to make solid decisions. deciding whether moving bcak to dxb is not something i want to do for the next two years. so going ahead with the permanent residency application, and staying with the firm for a while (not that i would think of jumping ship - since i do like my manager, my work and the pple too). and im really grateful to God that He has been so kind to me. despite all this, there is a certain restlessness that one feels when one has to make immediate decisions that will impact your future. so how do you know? how do you know when you are making the right decision? and why are there so many decisions to make?

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meinei dus saal pehlai yei zindagi chuni thi..thik hai mujhei todei bahot compromises karnei padei..magar compromise kaun nahin kar tha? [ 10 years ago, I decided on this life..alrite i had to do some compromises..but who doesnt do compromises?] - Rock On

i think i've always been wary of the word compromise. and sometimes will even vehemently deny that i have ever compromised and have only done whatever my heart has told me to. all or none. more none than all. yea rite. I do know that it is not the truth and albeit no major compromise but i and everyone have done so at some point or the other. some compromises have been done whole heartedly, some resignedly, some happily, some without realizing, some grudgingly. if something is too pricey in a store, we compromise by buying something cheaper.if we can't make a deadline so we compromise by showing only what we can complete. if we can't find a job we love, we compromise by taking something, anything, that helps us pay the bills. i always wanted to be a detective, now i think i should have gone to med school, there are times where I feel I should be a movie director or a script writer. But in never a million years I ever wanted to work in banking. I actually do like it, but I know I don't love it. Did I actually compromise?

i am tempted to say after all the stories i' ve been in or have listened to, the measure of success in life for most, is directly related to the amount of compromise you have done. success at work, brought about a lot of compromising of one's own free time and family time. in a city like dubai, 90% of the people working here dont like what they are doing. sure, they may make more money here, but many of them can't afford the luxuries here. The disparity in wealth is so obvious and at times depressing, at one hand you have people who are living in penthouses in high rises and then on the other hand you have 5 pple bunking together in a studio apt. and everyone thinks if they compromise now, bear the crap now, they will one day not ever have to compromise. others just know, that no matter what they do, things will never change for them and they compromise with their destiny and future too.

success in a marriage, a whole diff ballgame of compromising. a relative recently had a proposal, from her mothers friend's son. the families have totally different cultures and don't even speak the same language. but since the parents were friends, they thought this would translate among the kids as well. another case, a supposedly "gharelu" larka (whatever thats supposed to mean) entrepeneur in advertising owning several business possibly already having a girlfriend but his mother looks the other way and tries to find him a match that fits her sensibilities. who compromises eventually is yet to be seen. a typical punjabi meat eating sardarni bindass girl finds herself making vegetarian khana for her vegetarian husband. not only does she make it but now enjoys it and takes pride in the fact that she can make vegetarian parathas from scratch. a wide eyed romantic, idealist compromises to the fact that she probably wont ever fall in love with someone and love will have to happen after marriage, thats if it ever does. a decent, educated, respectful 25 year old boy rejected since the parents didnt want their daughter having to compromise and bear the burden of "interest sin" as the boy worked in banking ironically in a division absolutely nothing to do with interest.

sucess at parenthood/dinkdom(double income no kids). most people, when they decide to have a kid forego a lot of things that were taken granted, examples: the ability to hang out with just each other. ability to live the no structured, do on the spur of the moment things. I speak from the case where you don't have hired help or family to help you. the interesting thing is that most parents dont think this is a compromise and perhaps is the most selfless thing one has done and one will still never have it any other way and though there are those days where as a friend puts it of her 3 year old," sometimes she just irritates me so much i want to spank her bottom". she can't imagine her life without her 3 year old and how much love and joy the little kid has brought to her and her husband's life. a single parent friend takes so much effort, pain, a few dirty looks in the bargain for not showing up at work and planning her 5 year olds birthday. I dont even remember my 5th birthday and there's no way I would remember all what my parents did for me to make that day special. But parents do it wholeheartedly. And sometimes its very contagious, sometimes a few hours in company of kids can brighten your day too.

on the other hand you do have those who can't feel it until they experience it themselves too. another friend bluntly says that despite her being successful, hardworking, intelligent (made it through with a full scholarship) she is totally useless to her parents, parents who reside in a totally different continent. and therefore after all the energy, effort, love, money her parents spent in raising her she feels its all in vain. coz in her own words she is of no use to them now. and there is no point in having any children. her parents don't want her to return and stay with them, coz they know this is whats best for her career and also most importantly that her husband does reside there too and its now not just a single decision. perhaps even unconditional parental love is a sort of compromise, maybe not for the kid but for the parent?

how about success in your own health and well being (as in being fit). does it involve compromising good food, compromising lazy lamheins for heavy duty workouts.

the real question is in which compromise do you find meaning in and happiness in and realize its not actually a compromise but exactly what you needed and perhaps give it a new name, a decision that worked? and i dont know about everyone else, but the word for me itself has such a negative connotation - perhaps we are thinking it all wrong and perhaps compromising is actually a good thing? a. doing so you may realize that this is what you don't want or b. you realize that this is what you wanted all along.

inspiration for this post, mostly triggered by rock on's trailer.

heres a dekko below. looks like a good movie. courtesy a youtuber.

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you can be your hero.

so recently I read an article on Muslim Americans (will try and search it out) on the challenges that the youth, especially educated women, face in finding a like minded spouse. I guess one can even argue that mostly a higher education will place you in a higher income bracket. and despite the whole women and men equality thing, there are very few women and men (yes both) who will be okay with the fact that the woman is earning more than them. The article as I remember points out, one girl's experience where a potential suitor made it clear that even if she is working, she should not use that as an excuse to "dump" some of the house work on him. I once spoke to someone who blatantly asked me within the five mins of the conversation "Do you believe in gender equality?". Didn't wait for a response, and placed his cards on the table right away by saying that he didn't believe in this "feminist nonsense" (err, okayyy? who said anything about feminism?) and "the woman is expected to be subservient to the man." Needless to say that pissed me off a lot, and not just me but my entire clan.

But if you think about it, it amuses me the fact that one feels that way when in reality no matter how progressive your spouse claims to be or how loving he is, you can never escape the fact that you probably as a woman will do more than half your share, without even realizing it or keeping count of it - because thats just the way it is. (sorry dont have a better reason) And sometimes, I dont even think that in some cases, that one may actually require this additional help by your husband. [ I speak from my own observations, I may be totally wrong]. My sister has given up on my brother in law's cooking and is like its just easier if I do it myself rather than him doing it (ie less wastage of food). But, it a. makes you feel good that your husband cares enough about you to help you and b. it gives that whole feeling of teamwork, and by team I mean both being on the same side. Perhaps Im romanticizing this a bit. But yes, equating this to subservient is not the same thing.

So if you aren't working, can you actually evade all this "mess" created by your working. Does it then become okay for the woman to shoulder all the household responsibilities. Because your "work" is deemed less important. From the example of the above guy, do you really think he would equate the wife's household work to his work at the office? Would he really understand and appreciate it? I think not.

of course perceptions are just perceptions, these basic theories that a higher education will ultimately give rise to a power struggle between the couple time and again get disproved but pple stick to the law that does not withold in every situation. a relative had to give up her promising future of dentistry for marriage followed by a move to another country where the degree is not even recognized. and her mom, ironically the woman, thinks this was the right decision, since "aagei jaa kar rishtei milna mushkil ho jata hai". i dont pass judgement, since what may seem logical to you may not be so to another person, each his own. it's never about the wrong or right decision, its more about the wrong or right decision at that particular time. another aquaintance, was extremely particular in choosing her daughter in law, her requirements were pretty straightforward, she should be a high school graduate and should be pretty. since her major fear, is a way too educated girl will try to usurp all the power, and the reign on the highly coveted son. ok im being too sarcastic now. long story short, the girl turns out to be all what she wanted and all what she didnt want. Time and again your perception will break, but you will still feed off from your prior judgement.

I try to equate this with a supposedly fallible financial model, time and again it will spit out some random output, exposing flaws in your fabricated model, and sometimes you will continue using it because it works most of the time and then sometimes you will break out of the mould, and come up with a completely new strategy.

so my question, yes there is this trend among muslim families that wasn't there before, a good trend of pushing children to get an education. But is there such a thing as too much education? How about the other trend, get married and then get an education?

now for some randomness, will be doing my yearly yatra to dubai. yayyy! Next post from the other side of the atlantic.

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jaddon na kujh agge disse tahiyon bandaa vekhe picche- when you cant see ahead, you turn to look behind - Rabbi Shergill, Gill Te Guitar

I absolutely adore Rabbi Shergill's music. I think his solo album is absolutely great. And even his first attempt(at least I think it was) composing for movies, Delhi Heights, is a good album. So much better than the latest albums that sound the same. Sadly, I dont know why it didnt really get the kind of exposure that I thought it would get like AR.Rahman's first albums. Anyway, my favourite song has to be Gill te guitar. I think I appreciate it much more now since I know how hard it is to play the guitar and how much practice it takes. And now that Im trying to develop the "ear" for chords, you just get how talented the person must be to be able to play like that. You know how pple imagine their perfect wedding. My perfect wedding is for the couple to be able to play their acoustic guitars open-mic style, and yes all decked up in desi wear, for friends and family at the wedding. Rather than sitting aimlessly on a throne. Hopefully that will happen in my case.

Speaking of music, on a similar tangent(yes, the paradox), went to a ballet performance yesterday. I confess I am not particularly educated on ballet and its techniques, I took ballet as a kid when it was part of the curriculum (hahah). My parents were very enthusiastic about it and I started practicing even after school. But then something happened, I grew up and that took a backburner(repharse that wasnt even considered anymore). Plus you cant really do ballet with a potbelly. (and yes kids do have potbellies). You have to be super slim with not an extra ounce of weight to look good doing ballet. At least according to me. I did see nutcracker in Boston, two years ago or so and it didnt really impress me much. But last night's performance of Jewels was spectacular. There was no storyline as such, well there might be, Im just not educated enough on ballet or even the musical compositions on which the ballet is based. There were three pieces, each based on a particular jewel - emerald, ruby and diamond. And each piece's musc was based off a country, like the ruby composition was more american style jazz composition. People dont just go to see a performance, its a whole experience, nearly every one was formally dressed, the theatre itself is spectacular (wish I had got my camera!). Anyway, I dont think I have been converted to a fan of ballet (I do find it a little long), but I do have tremendous amount of respect and awe for it.

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outlawed by the inlaws.

im always under the rosy impression that the saans of the saans bahu serials are characters that are beyond brain degradation,and are merely an over exaggerated anti thesis of the perfect happily ever after and simply a far from reality figment of the writer's imagination. as of now, i dont think im any where closer to agreeing or disagreeing with my "rosy impression". as opposed to the season of weddings, it is the season of inlaws. my sibling's inlaws are visiting, my pregnant and non pregnant friends and colleagues in-laws are visiting. my best friend's weekends are now filled with frequent visits to the inlaws and the inlaws visits.

so henceforth im absorbing a lot of information. in general, pple in this day and age,do get along with their inlaws. to the point where they are pretty pally with each other. and can actually bond on various things. and probably refuting the indignant expression of "why cant we just get along"

we can. and we do. as long as we know what each others boundaries are. and we stick to them. we stick well within them.

but then the day someone loses it. coz someone eventually does.since you are only human. then what happens? i might last a week, before i have some sort of massive fight with my own mom. despite whom i love very very much, i still have the right to disagree with. and if i cant be myself with my own mom, then thats just ridiculous. perhaps some pple might even say it borders on disrespect to disagree or even argue with your parents. and perhaps since im not a parent i dont understand that logic. but i do know when all said and done, and ive apologized (irrespective of whether i am wrong or right) its all forgotten. you look beyond that and despite all the frustrations and lack of getting each other - you get over it.

somehow it doesnt apply to someone else's parents. there is a thin line that one should never cross. and i mean that by in both sides. somehow things get a whole lot more personal. and sometimes its irreversible. my friend, who literally had to fight for a wedding of her own style, venue etc- may never be "forgiven". having communication problems with the prospective inlaws/inlaws may lead to pple think you are just snobby and stuck up and not simply awkwardly shy. you arent always given the benefit of doubt, where to your own parents - they understand thats just how you are. and they might not like it, but they accept it. with love.

this reminds me of a scene of my favourite cult film. dil chahta hai. there is a scene where akshay khannas mother goes something on the lines of (majorly paraphrased)

mother : tum *(corrected thanks sara) anju kei ghar nahin arei ho?
akshay khanna : nahin mein wahan bahot bore hota hoon.
mother: duniya mein bahot kam cheezein hei jidhar tum bore nahin hotei ho.

she asks him to come to the house of some relative, which bores him. And she answers with a sarcasm, which your parents would probably say, perhaps may force you to go witht hem - but after a point they do give up and they never ever hold it against you.

this isnt so applicable to your spouse's parents. things get a whole lot more personal. which leads me to the question, is it really true, that the inlaws behave differently with you, a non blood relative or is it just that you are more sensitive to your new set of parents?

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Its not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves - Edmund Hillary


So this weekend was the memorial day weekend, and as much as I have tons and tons of stuff to study, I ditched that and decided to head out with a couple of friends to a mountain near the hudson river. Which apparently is voted as one of top 10 trails in US.An hour an half drive from new york. What I was prepared for was a relaxing hike up the mountain, with well etched routes and clear pathways that require nothing more than good shoes and bottled water. What I was not prepared for was a super difficult hike up, lots of rock climbing, and being on all fours while climbing the super difficult mountain, chapped hands, legs, knees, knowing that one wrong move can result in serious injury (liable to breaking my head on some heavy rocks), shivering knees, quaking inside. What I had not prepared for was also realizing that one needs only the will and one can do anything. Being put in a do or die situtation, you can and will do what it takes and will conquer your fear. What I was not prepared for was that feeling of exhiliaration and happiness mixed with feeling of dread (How the hell were we going to get down this steep thing). What I was not prepared for was the feeling of I-dont-think-I-will-do-this-for-a-while to a deep down super happy feeling of doing something that I will be proud of forever.

I belong to a life of contradictions. Heres a dekko at some of our pictures and some video from youtube.(Thanks to the youtuber) (The video is not ours)

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thats just the way it is..some things never change.

i think i now know why i absolutely love new york city. in my lunch break, me and a good friend stepped out, beautiful springish-summery day, and in front of the building next door (apparently the first skyscraper in the city) was a band playing this beautiful song by Bruce Hornsby. We just stood there transfixed, at the whole energy of the place. You have people walking on the street on their lunch break, doing their own thing, most pple in their suits (since its a very banking centric location) and right spat in the middle you have this live band playing great music. And then you have the smell of freshly made samosas, thanks to a desi cart selling packaged lunch boxes, right around the corner. Awesome. Some people, like us, standing and staring - others stepping out of the glass doors and making a direct beeline to the few rows of chairs kept in front of the band, for the convenience of the audience.

Just sooo nice. Sometimes, some thing as small as that can make your day.

Today also marks my first anniversary at work. i cant believe its been a year already. I dont think I have gained as much as knowledge as you would expect to gain (you know the kind you expect, when you are still a student and optimistically (is this a word? ) think that you can change the world singlehandedly). In fact, i really dont know how these 12 months just slipped away. And, I dont really have anything to show for it. or rather anything im super proud of. And it seems like yesterday, I wore my favourite suit to work, and was introduced to a million pple only to forget their name a minute later. But, thats the thing about time, it waits for noone, and thats just the way it is. =)

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u r a fever, u ain't born typical.

this week, i had my first "sick" day of the year. i played the get out of work card. i was really not up to going to work.and hence had to make up some mild sickness (coz I have to go back the next day). my excuse? something which had not been used and abused like food poisining and something that doesnt require proof of sickness like a cough or cold even. so i chose ear ache and a fever. but truthfully, i had lots of studying to do and most importantly was just not emotionally upto it.

after a huge fight with a sibling, of which i have learnt that two wrongs will never make a right. i just felt super sad, that I lost my temper so badly - which I rarely lose. everything is hunky dory now as it can only be with your siblings or parents after a fight. But something in me snapped and it was just chaos. and the next day at work, I didnt feel good at all.

I wonder why in places like the West, where everything is laced with a certain amount of emotion ie Don't like something, protest it. Don't like someone, tell them. Dont like the parking ticket you got, contest it vigorously. Don't like your boss, complain to them about them.

So then why can't something like I was not emotionally upto it serve as an acceptable reason to not go to work. In Japan, there is something called heart-ache leave, time off after a breakup with a partner and the more older you get the more "sick" days in the heart-ache category that you get. To take it up a notch- science (various studies and medical practitioners can back this up) says that a broken heart can lead to considerable heart damage thereby causing heart failure.



One of the reasons, I think that here in the US, such a thing is not considered because pple strongly believe that business and personal issues should not mix. and one should leave their distractions. and of course heart outside work. and one should immerse themselves completely into their work, despite all the stress you are in on the inside. coupled with the fact, that sometimes its so much easier to say you aren't well then having to explain how badly you did on a test/a fight with a parent etc.

i guess i need to start a petition for sick leave in the emotional-issues-pls-dont-ask-unless-i-tell-u category.

now for some total randomness. below is a video of my current favorite track. yes a little dark and quite weird too. i am not so much a fan of the video, but i really like the song. They are an anglo-american indie rock band called The kills.

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all i wanna do is have some fun - i got a feeling, im not the only one.


so i get asked this question a lot at work. why? why would i leave the mini paradise of dubai and move to nyc to slog it out in an albeit interesting but crowded, dirty, polluted, super taxed city. when i could be sitting on heaps of cash, with hired help that one can afford, having a nice car (or two) in my driveway, sunny weather, great home cooked food, more friends, family around etc etc. the list is endless.

is it money? i dont think so. i think i could get a higher paying job in dubai - since it is tax free and i think a grad degree may help. and i might save more since i would be living at home. i usually answer this with a "money isnt everything". this remark of mine is always met with a lot of snickering, perhaps they think im too idealistic or just plain lieing. and then to my detriment it kind of builds the image that im just a rich spoilt brat and that everyone in dubai is sitting on a pot of gold. kind of like, something that i learnt recently, on why journalism pays so little despite being one of the biggest businesses everywhere. the reason being, there are a dime a dozen kids of uber rich parents, who are willing to do it for free. for them yes money is not an issue. i for one dont fall in that category, i assure you.

is it the work then? to a certain extent yes. i think the work i do here is far more substantial than i would do in dubai. im learning a lot. i have far more opportunities to learn from my peers and managers. the work here is cutting edge. i have access to experts in my fields. true, i dont utilize them to the best of my ability. but at least i can try somewhat. the markets in dubai are still in their fledgling stage and even if they were as advanced as here, it still wont be the same as here. the fact that 80% of the population in dubai comprises of expats, doesnt mean that it is particulary diverse or even that it something that is extremely proud of - as something that top companies here do advertise as their selling point. all it is in dubai, is just numbers. and not coz it can be anything but that. how else will these scores of scores skyscrapers be made, if it were not for this "diversity". it really doesnt mean anything, its almost like the diversity actually works against you.

i know i criticize. but i truly do love my dubai, and i know its changing and sometimes not every change is good. and coz i consider it my own, i do reserve the right to criticize it.

so is it the freedom? perhaps, but to a very slight extent, i love the fact that i can go get a cup of coffee at 8 or 9, walk down the block, go to a barnes and nobles and hang out without having to tell anyone or explaining or having someone worry about it. i dont see myself doing this in dubai, simply coz its just not hte norm and its just a process to get out the car and drive down in endless traffic.i love the fact that i live at my own will, anybody who has ever lived away from home during their school years, still love their home and family but there is a certain independance that one cherishes and perhaps craves.
a friend of mine, like many of us, plans to go back home in a couple of years. for her home is bombay, but she too kind of wonders that it would be difficult at times to adjust in a joint family kind of setting after having lived the complete nuclear family life. double income no kids life. not saying it wont work out, and at times it may be great. perhaps its just a case of adjusting.

is it the stability? there is definetly a stability in the US in terms of your status, you work here a couple of years, you become part of them. irrespective of wheter you can speak english fluently. in a couple of years you ar econsidered american, despite having been brought up in a different country, not having spoken english in years. you can basically live in your own little bubble and it will be ok. in the gulf, its never like that - even if you do happen to attain the exclusive citizeship - can you really ever be considered part of the crowd. i dont know. i would say another 40 years before something like that can happen. no country is perfect. even those that look it from the outside.

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what goes around..goes around..comes around.. comes around.

so a couple of days ago, i was walking on 3rd ave in midtown, ie one of my infrequent lunch walks, but whenever i get a chance to do these. i normally walk around 10 blocks or so north and then turn around. i love doing this, since it clears my head, gets me out of a rut, and miraculously im able to figure out my dumbest mistakes, plus its good to stretch out a bit. and plus if you are walking in new york, there are a lot of pple on the streets and you can observe a lot and theres never really a dull moment.

so normally im always stopped by pple selling some kind of discount coupons for their restaurants, or selling business suits, or some environmental issue, or some free newspaper. iniitally i would take it, but now ive become immune to it, so i still smile and say no thank you without even seeing what they were selling.

so two days ago, a lady - short, very european looking, clear green eyes stops me and tries to hand me a pamphlet, i politely refuse and walk on. after a point i reach my destination, a deli to pick up lunch. While deciding what i should eat, she approaches me again. at this point, im quite confused, why was she following me, did i drop something? she again hands me a pamphlet, things like maybe shes homeless and needs some money or something, run through my head. and then shes like you are going to have some major career change next month, it will be a good change, but its going to be major. apparently she was some tarot card reader. and had looked into my future, and now wants to tell me too.

as much as i was intrigued, i would rather not know.

so this is my question. how does this business survive. i mean if pple actual knew the future, they could predict thigns for themselves, they would do so - cash in all their riches, and never tell anyone else. i dont get it. for the better good? alrite - share your knowledge, but wouldnt you yourself be zillionaires. how does this business thrive - and believe you me, it does. a friend of a friend had to wait for a year or so to get a reading by this tarot reader. and i wonder dont pple actually think that- its pure logic. but then the world is full of strange things, and perhaps this "flaw" that as humans we have - that at the next corner, our luck will change, or will be much better than what we have. this hope that tommorow will be a better day, this optimism or perhaps just a constant restleness and a looking for newer heights to obtain. perhaps all this encompasses our obsession of the future. that we forget to live in our present.

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Yahaan Hai Ek Nadi.....Aur Wahaan Ek Laal Kila....Par Kahaan Hain Iss Shehar Ka Falsafa

so ive had many things to blog about, but just havent had a. the time b. been in the mood to away c. had a functional laptop on which to type away. ive made so many mental notes and now ive forgotten half the things i wanted to write about or rather preserve for posterity. so first thing firsts, this completes my one year anniversary in new york. cant believe how far ive come, from being totally scared to get on a crowded train to being the girl who will push her way into the train just as the doors are closing. so my love for new york continues and i have very few complaints, apart from the disgusting amount of tax one has to pay to live in the city. there is an unrealistic thinking that everyone who lives in the city is uber rich, and so they not only have to pay federal, state but city tax and also fund some schools. and yes we are working for the better good etc etc, so cant really be the bad guy and say why should i fund public schools, when i dont even have kids...yes thats the mean part of me, but the righteous side of me, thinks society in general should contribute to a good thing. even though he may or may not utilize it.

but, heres, my question very simple and super logical, is that if every month or rather every two weeks we get a summary of our salary with the deductions, and i assure you the deductions really add up to quite a bit. so if the govt gets an itemized list of how much we make and exactly how much is coming from us, why dont we get a letter in the mail saying this is exactly what we spent your money on. i dont need the minute details that so much went to fund X's school books. i just need something which says ok we contriubted this much to healthcare, and this much to funding a war that killed innoncent pple who really had nothing to do with terrorism.

pple need to know, it makes it all the more real. most of the americans and non americans i know dont want this war. they have their own problems to worry about. rather than trying to "solve" other countries problems, or creating problems for others. the health care system here is the pits, they charge a bomb and half for simple procedures. and so many pple here arent insured. i have been reading dr. atul gawandes complications and its a really great read. it talks about medical insurance, the insurance a doctor pays to avoid lawsuits, and a whole lot more. im definetly going to blog about this but in a different post.

so anyways in other news, am planning to visit delhi later on this year. as a dear friend of mine gets married. its been a long time since i visited delhi, maybe 10 years ago. and i hear its changed a lot. its also the first time i will be visiting india and not visiting family and doing the round of the relatives, so that should be really fun! im thinking of taking the train to agra, rather than flying there. should be an experience. i visited agra when i was 6 or 7 and i dont remember anything at all. apart from hitting the must sees, taj mahal, forts et al, hope to see a little more of the "real" delhi/agra. and of course having great food.

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yeh na ho toh, ya phir..bolo toh kya zindagi hai

i so miss my undergrad days after hearing this song. this song reminds me of my people watching weekends, sitting in bookstores/coffee shops/library spent talking with friends and majorly gossiping about our crushes. one of the best things in life, is having good friends. friendships where pple know everything about you and despite all your bad qualities still love you. and despite your ups and downs in your friendships, you still stick to each other. despite your living miles away or even a few kilometers away, despite your life's changing routes and your finding your own way and making new friends, your bond will never break. and your conversations will always be filled with your old memories, as if it happened yesterday. on how life was so much simpler then, simple things like seeing "the one" in class for ten minutes, used to make my day. and if by any chance, they actually spoke to you for just 10 minutes, and that too to explain if only about a particular homework problem, that would be your whole energy boost for the whole week.

:)

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the way i am


so this week has been a killer week ( i pretty much start all my posts saying that, hahaha.). i really do like the rush though that one gets working on short deadline projects, the feeling that one gets - once its done is uncomparable. and of course the thank yous that one gets too make you feel good within and it kind of shows on my face that im really happy when someone appreciates my work. must learn to do something about that. =)



anyway last weekend , i went to a semi rock-instrumental kind of concert, anyone reading this should totally check out break of reality. wwww.breakofreality.com. They are a band of celloists(sp) and one guy on percussions. and ever since i heard them play on the subway ive been their fan. so they were performing at baruch college, in these really quaint auditorium. yea, quaint. hardly the word used to describe an auditorium, but i liked the decor a lot. it was really quite unique. i was a bit scared to take pictures since im so chicken and scared of being told off by an usher who probably is a freshman in their undergrad. so anyway i decided its ok afterwards ill talk to the band and gush oh how im so much of a fan, and my friends were waiting for me to make the move and get a picture with them coz im succcccccch a groupie. of course i didnt. coz whenever i did make a move they were kind of busy autographing their cds or talking to bashful kids and their moms.



so i decided do not despair and to head to the after party which was this irish kind of sports bar. and so we waited and waited for them to show up. and then decided they are not coming and just as we stepped out, they showed up. so i never got to gush and say how much a fan i am and how inspiring they are. yes, sad story.



after that we went to handis, to have tea. i think they make the best desi chai in all of new york city*. (* havent really tried everything in new york city- so this is my great generalization and i do believe its true). the atmosphere isnt really that great, i mean its like a new york dhaaba, but the food is great. and even though a lot of their stuff is floating in kilos and kilos of oil, everyone seems to like it nevertheless. both desis and non desis. besides that its cheap and you dont have to wait at all to get your food, unless im in front of you and cant make a decision.



so anyway my major takeaway from that whole evening, was really the ending speech by one of the band members on how one should support the arts, music etc. i think like sports, pple dont really encourage their kids to pursue it professionaly. as a kid, i think its the trend, where parents will force you to do ballet, learn music, do paitnings, speak different languages but once you edge closer to your olevels, alevels, board exams etc. everything else becomes secondary . so you give up everything that you were supposed to learn as a kid. something which perhaps shaped your thinking today but plays no rule in your future. i suppose its because, all parents want to protect their children. and though i do see these differences, i dont think i would behave much differently from other parents. not every musician will be heard or appreciated.. theres no guarantee or "stableness" of the job. and very very few are successful.

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hi, my name is pi and i ve got a problem.

so this week has been a super stressful week. i presented to the head of the group, who had never sat into any of the meetings that ive been presenting at. so i was a bit jittery, and especially after i got some "tips" from my colleagues, it made me even more jittery.

so for one, i did the cardinal sin of corporate presentations, i didnt number my pages. i realized like half and hour before the presentation but decided wont print again and kill another tree. these are more research oriented presentation so its more like a word document of all jargony formulas etc followed by graphs and graphs. so it was a total nightmare sifting through the pages. and the thing is ive been working onthis for a month or so, so i know it pretty well ( at least i think i do) so i dont exactly spend ages on each graph coz i think its quite self explanatory.

so anyway after the rushed presentation, my manager was like i feel bad i should have spent more time with you, and im like shit coz my manager is like the most nicest person ive ever met, and im not just saying that coz you know my some weird twist of fate he lands up on my blog. i seriously mean it. so the fact that he said that to me means i totally sucked. and coz i suffer from occasional (read a lot) mood swings, i totally was out of it for the rest of the day. and colleagues coming up and saying good job, only made me feel even more shittier coz im like why just say it, when you dont mean it. arrgh. anyway, so then after about half an hour my manager comes up to me and is like listen we have a presentation trainer coming in today do you want to meet her, and dont feel bad that im asking you now after your presentation i would have anyway asked you and you really were good and i guess you were a bit nervous..etc etc. so i almost died, but then i got off my high self pitying horse (if there is such a thing) and was like i should take this criticism postively and it is really nice of him to tell me what i need to work on, so i was like ok let me go for the class.

so i go to the class, and i dont think ive met a single presentation trainer who is not high wired and over dramatic. its basically a business acting class. and so i had a lot of issues, too soft spoken, doesnt look at pple for too long ( the only time when staring helps. hahah) eyes darting, and this is really i dont get why is this a problem, holds her pen while talking.

i dont know about others, but i have to hold a pen, a paper, a mug anything while talking in a presentation otherwise i really dot know what to do with my hands and im not talking about the click click pen thing that pple do, which is yes sooo annoying, im talking just holding on to the pen.

so then we learnt we should place our hands in front open and not closed or clamped coz that shows you arent a friendly person watever. and then you should sit at the edge of your seat, coz you know research is sooo interesting. (and yes dont make sarcastic jokes) ok thats my own addition. but the sitting on the edge of the seat really was annoying for me, she kept making me sit on the edge almost to the point i was sure i was going to fall off. and then always speak with dramaticized gestures, after having been told by my parents i shouldnt move my hands too much while i speak, i have to unlearn everything ive learnt. hahaha. so anyway that wasnt really a problem for me im very prone to moving my hands while talking so much that i can move my hand wide out and sometimes hit the other person sitting next to me (more like its their problem really haha) anyway so just when i think i can escape the inevitable, she takes out a video tape from her bag like magicians take out rabbits from their hat and is like lets videotape you. horrendous.

three things learnt: the camera does add 10 pounds extra, so ideally you should always be 10 pounds lighter than your weight. i need a haircut. and i should totally not make faces coz someone might catch them.

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You are always trying to keep it real

I'm in love with how you feel

I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else

But you

-The Moldy Peaches

just learnt to play this on the guitar. its pretty simple, just two chords! But the song only sounds good, if you sing along. and with my whole croacking toad like voice, the neighbours have resorted to pounding on the common wall (yea, that bad).

well, i love this song from again, current favourite - Juno. the whole mood of the song captures the whole idea of first love, in particular, teenage love. when ones emotions arent as complicated, [ or so we would say in retrospective], where you dont really question everything and anything, you just go with what your heart says. and you fight with each other on the smallest things and at that point nothing can calm your heart, but you.

then you grow up and life is more controlled and so are your emotions and so is your heart.

there's tranquility in that too.

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