"Just because (s)he likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean (s)he's your soul mate."- 500 days of summer

ok so i watched the movie above. expecting nothing. since i had not even seen the movie trailor. and like the cleverly juxtaposed scene of expectations versus reality. my expectations of zilch, were very different from the reality. so the verdict - 9/10. i totally loved the movie.

so the story, do not read ahead if you have not seen it, many spoilers ahead. so like the narrator starts its a boy meets girl story but not a love story. so boy likes girl. girl likes boy. girl is not in love with boy and breaks up with boy. girl does not want to be in a relationship. boy spirals into depression. boy quits job. boy meets girl again. same girl. girl and boy dance with each other at a wedding. things supposedly looking good. girl invites boy to dinner party. boy shows up expecting reconciliation. girl shows off her engagement ring to friends. boy runs off and like many a breakups, boy spends days in bed, with no strength to get up. boy quits job and pursues his true dream. boy then meets another girl..

and again it leaves the open ended question of what is exactly is a soulmate. does it exist? are we just driven by the world of chemistry. or the world of familiarity. or the world of wanting to belong to someone. and can you have more than one soulmate? and even if you are happy, how do you know you will always be happy or if this is the happiest u can be. or if this is the maximum happiness you can give to someone else.

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“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.”- He's just not that into you.

i first learnt about this book two years ago, when i was visiting new york during my grad school years and me and my friends were sitting in the barnes and nobles starbucks. and a friend of mine was going through a breakup and actually reading the pocketbook outloud in the coffeeshop regardless of people staring at us. the movie unlike the book doesn't answer the questions and even after reading the book you are like ok this is a whole lot of fluff.. and after you're done reading the book you're like 'come on' that's not true and isn't everyone's story unique and supposedly ''magical" in its own quirky way.

so a friend, goes through this whole 'will he-wont he' phase, where the guy agrees to go for dinner and then in the follow up dinner cancels saying he's too tired and doesn't schedule another date.

right, doesn't sound too good.

i try to be diplomatic since my friend thinks he's really shy so i say maybe he'll call later give it a week. but another friend quotes from the above movie - and point blank says seriously he's just not that into you. but then i dont know if its because of actually feeling a connection in the first meeting (i honestly think theres no such thing) or because there's this insatiable need to know - the need to know why someone would turn you down- so i dont know if its eithe rof these two that my friend texts him again- and then he texts back - and now they continue texting short notes to each other - no one taking the first step - no one willing to jump head on and just ask outright - no one does that ever- coz no one wants a bruised ego - or coz no one wants to admit that they are just not THAT into you.

in one of the therapy sessions, that only good friends will do (ie yours truly) me and my friend were sitting next to this couple, who ironically were on their first date. ok and sure we were eavesdropping, i mean there has to be some advantage that space in new york is scarce. so the guy asks the girl after an awkward pause - so umm do you like brad pitt? - soooo lame, im sorry but it is. and then at the end of the meal, the restaurant that only accepts amex denies to take his visa card and sadly he's out of cash. needless to say the date doesn't goes well.

so this is the american dating ritual. so, changing tracks, even the desi ritual is not much better. you reject people after looking at their pictures. just their pictures. everyone is guilty of that. and its ok if both of you dont like each other. its end of story. but if one does, yes albeit shallowly, it gets complicated. so rather than directly saying anything, you ignore the person and hope they get the message. brutal, yes. but is there any other way that we can weasel our way out of it?

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jugni chahdi ac car. jugni rehndi sheeshe paar

things have started to spiral more and more out of control. you hear about your friend of friends getting laid off. you then hear of friends getting laid off. and then you hear about street food cart vendors who make in a good year 100 bucks or so a day, now making just 50 bucks. you watch advertisements on tv telling you how others are saving up. your landlord calls you to remind you about your lease. you have recession specials at lunch. you see bilboards on crowded streets on movies that have already been screened and have actually flopped. and most of all when you screw up at work, you blow off dinner plans on a friday evening and you fret and fume in nervousness throughout the weekend.

in other news, im seriously considering going to dental school now considering how easy money it is. (ok grass is always greener on the ohter side). but what irks me, is the atrocious amount of money dentists charge here. and of course i understand theres no such thing as a good deal, but seriously why are your teeth considered the step child of your body. why is dental insurance so poorly covered. hell even medical is so expensive here. its just plain wrong. what riled me up actually was when my dentist told me i should just borrow the money for cosmetic procedures ( read braces, porcelain veneers) - when i asked her for viable financial options. i repeat cosmetic procedures, not healthy precautionary procedures - that one should do. WTH. the economy is in recession, dont you watch tv - is there no kind of dental hippocrates oath, where you are not coaxing the naive scared patient into taking such financial risk. ok, maybe i exaggerate, but my point is you can't just ask your patient to take a loan. it really doesnt make sense to me. maybe its me and not them. =)

the other day i was reading a forum where some dude, (i really hope its not real), but apparently when citi shares dropped to 7 bucks, he used his citi credit card to purchase the shares thinking he would make a quick buck. we all know what happened. and now the dude refuses to pay his card company saying until your (as in citi shares) dont go back up-he will not pay. its a vicious cycle of greed everywhere from the producer to the supplier to the consumer. if you can't afford something which is a luxury just don't buy it until you can.

to end with a good note. i just read this news . This gives you hope that all is not lost.=)

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sapnon sei bharei naina

they say first impressions are last impressions. i agree. there is a certain vibe that one gets from a person. im not saying good or bad, you can get a neutral vibe too. but when its good, you know. i dont know how, but you do. perhaps its a sixth sense. i dont know. a friend once told me, (too simplified for me), that everyone has a mental checklist of what they want in a spouse, and just by the magic of the human brain, you are able to compute, without the help of complex algorithms or calculators, almost immediately- within minutes whether you would be able to live with this person for the rest of your life.

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Onde Ponde Ghoomde Phirde, Is Duniyaa Vich Challe Oye

things that rile me up today

http://www.gulfnews.com/nation/Society/10280130.html

1) rich people balking on paying their gardners, give or take $80 dollars a month. "all on the oooh-its a global crisis, we have to cut back". yea you should cut back. cut back on your lavish dinners, outings, your gazillion cars that just pollute - try car pooling, or even better take the bus, cut down all your omigod-i-need-the-new-iphone-craze. not someone's livelihood. have a brain. and a heart.

2) rental prices in my beloved bankrupt dxb. i will still love you no matter how poor you become. heres a dekko.

http://www.gulfnews.com/Nation/Housing_and_Property/10276330.html

so i looked over the property prices for a measly studio. and at the lowest end is the yearly rate of 35K AED. (approximately 10K USD). upfront. and this isnt even in the heart of the city, forget living in posh areas or in a skyscraperish building, giving you the view of the sea from some obscure corner of your house (usually your bathroom ).

ok granted, dubai is relatively tiny compared to say, i dont know texas. but my rent in texas was 1000 bucks a month for a 2 bedroom/2 bath appartment. why are they milking people so much i have no idea. and the salaries arent noteworthy at all. my first job in Dubai i wouldnt been able to afford a studio on that rent. you can do the math. granted, i was just an intern. and it was before dubai went all crazy on raising the rent. just long enough for people to madly raise it, and then when things went out of control they put a cap. and now when property prices have fallen, they want to increase it again. this is totally bs. but salaries haven't been inflated as much, and a vast majority of people are still making less than 1000 dollars a month, and so they cannot afford to live in a basic stuido. a studio is shared by two, three and sometimes four people.

i live in a studio now, and i find it small by myself. and if say five pple are standing in my kitchen, it can give you claustrophobia. im not kidding. so this really really riles me up. just coz people have to make money and therefore they suck it up and stay with these conditions and they cant afford to complain, it doesnt mean they are happy. shouldnt the overall governemnt care about the happiness of these people? shouldnt everyone at least be paid so much that that they can afford to live in a basic studio. or shouldnt the prices of studios be affordable so that everyone can afford to live in one. and then they wonder why supply is so much greater than demand. and why they are going bankrupt. (i still love you)

3) slumdog millionaire mania.
first of all, its a good movie, its not the most awesome movie ever written. but thats okay, the oscars/golden globes aren't the pathar ki lakeer. so its great, that it got nominated coz it has desi actors and technicians. and yes barring the main director and the producers everyone else is indian. so thats still something good for india. so props to the team. and yes, it doesnt show india in the most awesome light. but no one can say that its not the truth. yes its not the whole truth, not everything in india is like what they show. but it is someone's truth. in fact a big slice of the people's truth. bollywood movies on the other hand, show a way tiny sliver of the truth. im sorry but regular people cant go on euro rail, or drive racer bikes for con operations, or do a dance performance in the alps. so im sorry mr bachchan. and guys slumdog is a slang word. at least to me, its a mixture of slums and underdog. and believe me no one i know has had any problems being called an underdog. so stop getting all preindependance-british-called-us-dogs. news flash british have left. and the only one calling u a dog, is you with your own banner signs. so stop all this morcha nonsense. and honestly, not the slums but your propaganda is giving india a bad name. ok wait that also is.


things that im confused about.

so air india have bit the bullet and have started weekly flights from dxb to srinigar. all for 99 AED. (~$27) one way. quite cheap i think.
I honestly dont know what to feel about it. i mean i dont even know if this is even a debateable thing. its good in a way since the tickets are cheap, a lot of people will now want to go there and then take a local flight to their homes. so its good tourism or commuter i would say business for srinigar. and perhaps a very good thing for the whole area. which has seen a lot of crap. but its also a quick getaway thing, as everyone and thier mom knows. dubai - which i never knew until recently, is really the getaway place for gangsters and their moms. in the book maximum city, the writer writes on how lot of these shooters when they do a job to disappear from india, go straight to dubai, and then cool their heels. they are well taken of. they have a flat, they go for movies, they blend into the city - a city full of expatriates and a city that minds its own business. but they get bored and itch to go back to india again. when i read this it shocked me, and when i would see a lone guy sitting in a cinema hall i did think of it. maybe im taking suketu mehtas word for everything, but im just saying it could be a bad thing as well. so im two sided. good that it might ease tensions when you have so many pple commuting to that region, bad since it may become easier for the wrong pple to blend in.

things that im happy about today

that tommorow is a friday. oh how i love you friday. you are so dependable and you shine your grace on me every week. life is about appreciating the small things. =)

have a good weekend, all.

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mein jahan rahoon. kahin bhi rahoon. yaad saath hai.

so im no intellectual. not even the pseudo-intellectual types. i like things which make sense and somehow make some connection with me. im loving maximum city by suketu mehta. i just started reading it, and each paragraph so far is like a gem in its own. what stands out for me so far: the epiphany that one has staring at oneself in the mirror but not really looking at yourself, one or perhaps two major life altering events ,that happen to everyone, and that will ultimately change what you become, forever. and my favourite jahan bhi jao, kitnei bhi dur, par ghum phir kei wohi pohch jaana. =)

getting back to the book. will return to blog some more.

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"these precious illusions in my head, did not let me down when i was a kid. and parting with them is like parting with a childhood bestfriend" - Alanis Morisette

so i have been studying a lot at starbucks lately and most of the people who do visit that starbucks are medical students, doctors, interns and they usually are armed with a yellow highlighter, and ipod and some fat medical book. my surroundings make me think. my question today is would you donate your organs, once you are dead, for science? in undergrad, in my first year i decided that i would, and this wasnt a conscious decision or a well thought out decision, nor did i think of it as a religious decision. it was more of a i was asked and was given facts on how many people die because they cant find a suitable donor and so i decided there and then i would. the facts were about people who did not live longer but people who should have lived longer. and i kept that paper in my wallet, for the next three and half years, during my undergrad that if i did die i would give my organs up for donation. all of them.

and then i moved back to dubai and i misplaced my wallet and that paper. i dont remember who, but a long time ago i had this discussion with another muslim on how when we are resurrected on the day of judgement we should have all our organs intact. so in ohter words we should not donate our organs.

in all honesty, i didnt really pay much attention to it until recently and decided i would do some more research on it and in fact contrary to what others think and contrary to my ignorance, organ donation is permissible provided it is done according to Shariah rule. The rules are pretty straightforward and commensensical(!), the donor should be in his whole hosh aur awaz, over 21, the organ donated should not be a vital organ for which his/her life is dependant on, it should be done to save someone's life but not at the cost of your own, this should not be a monetary transaction and you should not profit from the sale of your organ, sexual organs may not be transplanted, and most importanly it should be done of your own free will. so in other words its ok to do so under certain conditions.

its quite dangerous this problem of hearsay, we hear things from others and we deem them the truth. but in fact its quite far from it. never believe everything you hear. some things should be read up by yourself and trust your instincts some things make sense you have been given this gift of common sense to judge what is right and what is wrong. sometimes, we forget to use it.

that being said, i think it is much easier on an individual to make this choice without consulting anyone, since once you are gone you are gone. thats it. you arent coming back to earth. and i do think its the right thing to do.

but when it is your loved one being sliced open yes even for a good deed, even for another person's life, for science, i dont know if i can be fully on board with it. the people left behind who know you and love you have to see through it. and it never is about you and only you anymore. so how easy is it to allow them to make that decision. i honestly dont know.

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aye dil hai mushkil jeena yahan, zara hat ke zara bach ke, yeh hai Mumbai meri jaan

so, after a longgg time, I saw a good movie. Mumbai meri jaan, is a story about different characters and how they were affected by the 11 July 2006 Bombay train bombings, where a series of seven bomb plasts took over a period of 11 minutes across Bombay stations.

So you have a news reporter, played by Soha Ali Khan who has done an extremely good job, whose job is perhaps to be highly desensitized to ongoings but once her fiancee gets killed, she begins to really understand the trappings of her job. What I like about this track is it portrays very much what the world is going through now, the emergence of sensational kind of news. The more sensational, the better the TRP. It doesn't matter anymore if you are invading someone's personal space, all that matters is sound bytes. and pehlai pehlai, it was very much restriced to celebrities, but now everyone is fair game.

Then there's the suspicious of all muslims guy, played by Kay Kay, who I think has set the bar to the point where Im thinking if Kay Kay is in it it must be good, alrite minus Drona but you know what I mean. So anyway this is the guy who in his detective suspicious mode goes to the extent to going to the muslim guy's house and finding out where was he on the blast day, and when his misconceptions get cleared he realizes that not every muslim is a terrorist. At work once I was asked almost cautiously immediately after finding out I was a muslim, what do you think of Dawood? I have always been one to call a spade a spade and it made me a little irritated that the person would think I would even try to defend a criminal. What is wrong is wrong, your religion is your personal thing and in no way allows you to use that as your shield in doing wrong things. After I said that, I was asked so you are pretty vocal about this. Why wouldnt, I be, I am not trying to dissociate myself, I just find it wrong to even consider these kind of people as muslims.

moving on, theres paresh rawal and supporting actors, who play roles of cops. Paresh Rawal is awesome in this movie. This track is very real, its a portrayal of how cops sit on the fence trying to balance what is wrong and what is chalta hai. an aquaintance,V, was telling his story once on how he broke a signal on his bike once in delhi and the cop caught him and asked him to pay. He only had some 50 rupees or something his pocket, so was indignant and was like "theek hai ticket deido"( give me the ticket) something on those lines. the cop goes from the dhamki mode into the acha jaanei do mode and is like lets finish the story here only. V was like forget it just give me a ticket, I dont have any money on me. The cop is like you dont have any money? And starts scolding him how can you leave house without any money? How much do you have? V is like I have 50. The cop is like ok give me 30 and we can forget everything. At the time, V was saying his story it was more like the light-this-happens-only-in-india kinda stories tone. But in reality, its actually very sad. Its become very common to bash cops. Our family's only encounter with cops in India hasnt been great so its added to their image. In reality, I know its the same case of equating all muslims as terrorists. and not everyone can be measured on the same scale.

this isn't restricted to cops. it permeates the whole society. at one local bank in India, we had gone for some papework and one oe of the clerks, directly asked us for some karcha paani, since of course because you live abroad you of course are the golden goose. At the time, I was shocked beyond belief, and had a major argument with my mom why she is feeding into this vicious circle. her answer was like jaanei do, coz they do have the power to make everything extremely difficult for you. and they will use it, since thats the only power they have.

Then there's this poor man, played well again by Irfan Khan, who is simply trying to fit in this upper middle class/rich snobbery. Not even fit in I would say just trying to be a fleeting part of it. He is happy in his own world, but pple dont allow him even a basic dignity. He fights back in other ways, I wont give out the whole story, but realizes his wrong doing and tries to rectify it. This again is very common, you see it everywhere, people speaking condescendingly to the watchman of your society, the housemaid etc. It breeds contempt for each other.

Then there's the educated guy, again played super well by Madhavan, who loves his city and doesn't want to move to the greener pastures of the USA. He travels by local train and not cause he cant afford it, but because it is faster and environmental friendly. One of my favourite lines in the movie where the NRI friend is like be it here in India or in the US, the new generation will become immune to violence and tragedy.

On a similar tangent though, yesterday I went to see the movie W with a bunch of friends, its a movie based on George Bush, we reached the theatre really early and t our shock ther ewas a huge line for the 11 pm show an hour before! The movie was well boring, I fell asleep couple of times. But what was shocking to me, is how involved the youth are or at least care about the elected governement and are curious to know more. Topic at our dinner was heavily about politics, most people do think Obama can win, but no one is confident that he will definetly win. Then there was talks of how there are so many videos on youtube that are anti Obama and say he is a terrorist and how the republican party is even propagating this and how the "mob" at the rally was using words like treason and kill him. But what really shocked me, and the point of saying this story, was when a friend mentioned how he was at a bar watching the debate and people were like there is so much hatred still and shayad if he does become president, he will be killed.

But what bugged him and what bugs me too, was that people were so matter of fact about it and if it happens, Khuda na Khasta, it will be more like oh we expected this and not so much why is this happening? It really scares me that we are slowly becoming immune. We become so fixated in our own little world, that nothing not even tragedy happening all around can affect you. Its like we are watching a long movie and as long as we aren't in the movie, its all good.

if you watch only one movie in the remaining of this year, watch mumbai meri jaan

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meinei dus saal pehlai yei zindagi chuni thi..thik hai mujhei todei bahot compromises karnei padei..magar compromise kaun nahin kar tha? [ 10 years ago, I decided on this life..alrite i had to do some compromises..but who doesnt do compromises?] - Rock On

i think i've always been wary of the word compromise. and sometimes will even vehemently deny that i have ever compromised and have only done whatever my heart has told me to. all or none. more none than all. yea rite. I do know that it is not the truth and albeit no major compromise but i and everyone have done so at some point or the other. some compromises have been done whole heartedly, some resignedly, some happily, some without realizing, some grudgingly. if something is too pricey in a store, we compromise by buying something cheaper.if we can't make a deadline so we compromise by showing only what we can complete. if we can't find a job we love, we compromise by taking something, anything, that helps us pay the bills. i always wanted to be a detective, now i think i should have gone to med school, there are times where I feel I should be a movie director or a script writer. But in never a million years I ever wanted to work in banking. I actually do like it, but I know I don't love it. Did I actually compromise?

i am tempted to say after all the stories i' ve been in or have listened to, the measure of success in life for most, is directly related to the amount of compromise you have done. success at work, brought about a lot of compromising of one's own free time and family time. in a city like dubai, 90% of the people working here dont like what they are doing. sure, they may make more money here, but many of them can't afford the luxuries here. The disparity in wealth is so obvious and at times depressing, at one hand you have people who are living in penthouses in high rises and then on the other hand you have 5 pple bunking together in a studio apt. and everyone thinks if they compromise now, bear the crap now, they will one day not ever have to compromise. others just know, that no matter what they do, things will never change for them and they compromise with their destiny and future too.

success in a marriage, a whole diff ballgame of compromising. a relative recently had a proposal, from her mothers friend's son. the families have totally different cultures and don't even speak the same language. but since the parents were friends, they thought this would translate among the kids as well. another case, a supposedly "gharelu" larka (whatever thats supposed to mean) entrepeneur in advertising owning several business possibly already having a girlfriend but his mother looks the other way and tries to find him a match that fits her sensibilities. who compromises eventually is yet to be seen. a typical punjabi meat eating sardarni bindass girl finds herself making vegetarian khana for her vegetarian husband. not only does she make it but now enjoys it and takes pride in the fact that she can make vegetarian parathas from scratch. a wide eyed romantic, idealist compromises to the fact that she probably wont ever fall in love with someone and love will have to happen after marriage, thats if it ever does. a decent, educated, respectful 25 year old boy rejected since the parents didnt want their daughter having to compromise and bear the burden of "interest sin" as the boy worked in banking ironically in a division absolutely nothing to do with interest.

sucess at parenthood/dinkdom(double income no kids). most people, when they decide to have a kid forego a lot of things that were taken granted, examples: the ability to hang out with just each other. ability to live the no structured, do on the spur of the moment things. I speak from the case where you don't have hired help or family to help you. the interesting thing is that most parents dont think this is a compromise and perhaps is the most selfless thing one has done and one will still never have it any other way and though there are those days where as a friend puts it of her 3 year old," sometimes she just irritates me so much i want to spank her bottom". she can't imagine her life without her 3 year old and how much love and joy the little kid has brought to her and her husband's life. a single parent friend takes so much effort, pain, a few dirty looks in the bargain for not showing up at work and planning her 5 year olds birthday. I dont even remember my 5th birthday and there's no way I would remember all what my parents did for me to make that day special. But parents do it wholeheartedly. And sometimes its very contagious, sometimes a few hours in company of kids can brighten your day too.

on the other hand you do have those who can't feel it until they experience it themselves too. another friend bluntly says that despite her being successful, hardworking, intelligent (made it through with a full scholarship) she is totally useless to her parents, parents who reside in a totally different continent. and therefore after all the energy, effort, love, money her parents spent in raising her she feels its all in vain. coz in her own words she is of no use to them now. and there is no point in having any children. her parents don't want her to return and stay with them, coz they know this is whats best for her career and also most importantly that her husband does reside there too and its now not just a single decision. perhaps even unconditional parental love is a sort of compromise, maybe not for the kid but for the parent?

how about success in your own health and well being (as in being fit). does it involve compromising good food, compromising lazy lamheins for heavy duty workouts.

the real question is in which compromise do you find meaning in and happiness in and realize its not actually a compromise but exactly what you needed and perhaps give it a new name, a decision that worked? and i dont know about everyone else, but the word for me itself has such a negative connotation - perhaps we are thinking it all wrong and perhaps compromising is actually a good thing? a. doing so you may realize that this is what you don't want or b. you realize that this is what you wanted all along.

inspiration for this post, mostly triggered by rock on's trailer.

heres a dekko below. looks like a good movie. courtesy a youtuber.

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you can be your hero.

so recently I read an article on Muslim Americans (will try and search it out) on the challenges that the youth, especially educated women, face in finding a like minded spouse. I guess one can even argue that mostly a higher education will place you in a higher income bracket. and despite the whole women and men equality thing, there are very few women and men (yes both) who will be okay with the fact that the woman is earning more than them. The article as I remember points out, one girl's experience where a potential suitor made it clear that even if she is working, she should not use that as an excuse to "dump" some of the house work on him. I once spoke to someone who blatantly asked me within the five mins of the conversation "Do you believe in gender equality?". Didn't wait for a response, and placed his cards on the table right away by saying that he didn't believe in this "feminist nonsense" (err, okayyy? who said anything about feminism?) and "the woman is expected to be subservient to the man." Needless to say that pissed me off a lot, and not just me but my entire clan.

But if you think about it, it amuses me the fact that one feels that way when in reality no matter how progressive your spouse claims to be or how loving he is, you can never escape the fact that you probably as a woman will do more than half your share, without even realizing it or keeping count of it - because thats just the way it is. (sorry dont have a better reason) And sometimes, I dont even think that in some cases, that one may actually require this additional help by your husband. [ I speak from my own observations, I may be totally wrong]. My sister has given up on my brother in law's cooking and is like its just easier if I do it myself rather than him doing it (ie less wastage of food). But, it a. makes you feel good that your husband cares enough about you to help you and b. it gives that whole feeling of teamwork, and by team I mean both being on the same side. Perhaps Im romanticizing this a bit. But yes, equating this to subservient is not the same thing.

So if you aren't working, can you actually evade all this "mess" created by your working. Does it then become okay for the woman to shoulder all the household responsibilities. Because your "work" is deemed less important. From the example of the above guy, do you really think he would equate the wife's household work to his work at the office? Would he really understand and appreciate it? I think not.

of course perceptions are just perceptions, these basic theories that a higher education will ultimately give rise to a power struggle between the couple time and again get disproved but pple stick to the law that does not withold in every situation. a relative had to give up her promising future of dentistry for marriage followed by a move to another country where the degree is not even recognized. and her mom, ironically the woman, thinks this was the right decision, since "aagei jaa kar rishtei milna mushkil ho jata hai". i dont pass judgement, since what may seem logical to you may not be so to another person, each his own. it's never about the wrong or right decision, its more about the wrong or right decision at that particular time. another aquaintance, was extremely particular in choosing her daughter in law, her requirements were pretty straightforward, she should be a high school graduate and should be pretty. since her major fear, is a way too educated girl will try to usurp all the power, and the reign on the highly coveted son. ok im being too sarcastic now. long story short, the girl turns out to be all what she wanted and all what she didnt want. Time and again your perception will break, but you will still feed off from your prior judgement.

I try to equate this with a supposedly fallible financial model, time and again it will spit out some random output, exposing flaws in your fabricated model, and sometimes you will continue using it because it works most of the time and then sometimes you will break out of the mould, and come up with a completely new strategy.

so my question, yes there is this trend among muslim families that wasn't there before, a good trend of pushing children to get an education. But is there such a thing as too much education? How about the other trend, get married and then get an education?

now for some randomness, will be doing my yearly yatra to dubai. yayyy! Next post from the other side of the atlantic.

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outlawed by the inlaws.

im always under the rosy impression that the saans of the saans bahu serials are characters that are beyond brain degradation,and are merely an over exaggerated anti thesis of the perfect happily ever after and simply a far from reality figment of the writer's imagination. as of now, i dont think im any where closer to agreeing or disagreeing with my "rosy impression". as opposed to the season of weddings, it is the season of inlaws. my sibling's inlaws are visiting, my pregnant and non pregnant friends and colleagues in-laws are visiting. my best friend's weekends are now filled with frequent visits to the inlaws and the inlaws visits.

so henceforth im absorbing a lot of information. in general, pple in this day and age,do get along with their inlaws. to the point where they are pretty pally with each other. and can actually bond on various things. and probably refuting the indignant expression of "why cant we just get along"

we can. and we do. as long as we know what each others boundaries are. and we stick to them. we stick well within them.

but then the day someone loses it. coz someone eventually does.since you are only human. then what happens? i might last a week, before i have some sort of massive fight with my own mom. despite whom i love very very much, i still have the right to disagree with. and if i cant be myself with my own mom, then thats just ridiculous. perhaps some pple might even say it borders on disrespect to disagree or even argue with your parents. and perhaps since im not a parent i dont understand that logic. but i do know when all said and done, and ive apologized (irrespective of whether i am wrong or right) its all forgotten. you look beyond that and despite all the frustrations and lack of getting each other - you get over it.

somehow it doesnt apply to someone else's parents. there is a thin line that one should never cross. and i mean that by in both sides. somehow things get a whole lot more personal. and sometimes its irreversible. my friend, who literally had to fight for a wedding of her own style, venue etc- may never be "forgiven". having communication problems with the prospective inlaws/inlaws may lead to pple think you are just snobby and stuck up and not simply awkwardly shy. you arent always given the benefit of doubt, where to your own parents - they understand thats just how you are. and they might not like it, but they accept it. with love.

this reminds me of a scene of my favourite cult film. dil chahta hai. there is a scene where akshay khannas mother goes something on the lines of (majorly paraphrased)

mother : tum *(corrected thanks sara) anju kei ghar nahin arei ho?
akshay khanna : nahin mein wahan bahot bore hota hoon.
mother: duniya mein bahot kam cheezein hei jidhar tum bore nahin hotei ho.

she asks him to come to the house of some relative, which bores him. And she answers with a sarcasm, which your parents would probably say, perhaps may force you to go witht hem - but after a point they do give up and they never ever hold it against you.

this isnt so applicable to your spouse's parents. things get a whole lot more personal. which leads me to the question, is it really true, that the inlaws behave differently with you, a non blood relative or is it just that you are more sensitive to your new set of parents?

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We belong to Him and to Him is our return.

last weeks breaking news about benazir bhuttos assasination dumbfounded a lot of us. i was going with my mom to the clinic when a relative called up to tell us this breaking news. when we reached the clinic, a pakistani patient sat there shell shocked exasperately trying to get the tv to work in the waiting room. we flipped over couple of channels and finally saw that was not just a mere rumor but a fact. benazir bhutto was dead. i cant say that i know much about politics, let a lone politics in pakistan. and i cant comment about it. and i dont know too many things about her. there are lot of pple who applaud her for her courage. there are those that berate her for her corrupt ways. maybe she was corrupt, maybe she was a patriot. it doesnt matter at the end of the day. its a horrible way to die. and no matter what the reason the person had to do this it doesnt make it correct. two wrongs have never made a right.i feel really sad for her kids. its horrible to watch your mom die like that. i seriously dont know why the bhuttos continue in politics.


my dad used to be the doctor at the school where the kids studied and he told us about it on how shy the kids were and well behaved and didnt behave as kids of someone famous.
when i landed at jfk airport, while standing in immigration i read the breaking news that bilalwal will now succeed Benazir Bhutto, I was really disappointed. sometimes the ridiculousness of pple appall me, why would your pressurize (im assuming its pressure) a teenager to contest elections. with all due respect, why do you think he has the mental ability and the emotional capacity to do so. hes still a kid! hes barely finishing undergrad, why do you think he would know how to handle a party or if he was voted in, what would he know about economic affairs. despite coming from a doctors family that doesnt make me ready to conduct a bypass surgery tommorow.
its the same thing i believe.

and i dont understand why the world is so gung ho about this whole nepotism thing. keeping it in the family. this is the case everywhere. in india, the whole obsession with the gandhi clan. and in pakistan the bhuttos. in the US the clintons or the bushes. i cant understand why. my weak answer to this is we are comfortable with the known and it may or may not be good for you. but since we know it, we keep going back to it.

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duniya saji tere liye, khud ko zara pehchaan tu.

i dont understand sometimes this indefinite need for pple to define you. when you are in school you are asked when will you finish school, when you are in college when will you finish college, when you finish college, when will you get married, when you get married - when will you have kids. only after this, have you have done what you are supposed to do in this word called life.

it doesnt end there, the cycle repeats for your kids.

and god forbid if you didnt finish high school, if you flunked out of college, or if you got divorced, or if you had a miscarriage.

its like these goals are the law and if you dont achieve or like above break these goals, they will pester you until u succumb or if you never achieve them you will be pitied no matter how miserable one ownself may be after having achieved all of the goals. and if you do achieve them , everyone will release a huge sigh of relief like it was the biggest bhoj that THEY were under. and finally, this burden has been lifted of their shoulders. it should be noted they dont even know you. and if you were to suddenly disappear, they would not even realize.

its like sometimes you cannot and are not supposed to have any personal goals then the above. so wat if you didnt go to university? so what if you arent married ? so what if your well into your 7th year of marriage and dont have a kid? nobody wants to know what you do at work, nobody cares. nobody wants to really know how your lifes been, nobody wants to know whether youve joined a musical band, or are travelling three months in a year and seeing more than the world youve seen in your life, or youve become a licesenced diver. or your child said their first words yesterday. or youve published your first paper. or you made your first pilgrimage. no one gives a shit.

im not trivializing the "golden" goals, but each individual is different and noone has the right to say which goal is important than the other and no one should be forced to live life other than the way he/she deems it.

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venting 101

so on cnn there was an article about a rape of an 18 year old girl in saudi arabia. The case is that the girl while meeting with a male friend was attacked by 7 men, kidnapped and both were raped. The 7 men were jailed and given sentences ranging from 2 - 9 years. The major shock factor is that the victims were also given sentences of 90 lashes. And after the girl appealed, the court raised the sentence to 200 lashes because she had spoken to the media about the case. Sach bolna bhi ghuna hai! Her lawyer has been banned from the case and his license has been confiscated.

Heres what understanding-islam.org says about punishment of rape as per Shariah

"The Shari`ah has actually prescribed the punishment for four major crimes. It has prescribed the punishment for murder and other bodily harm, theft, fornication and qazaf (to accuse someone of zinaa - fornication - without adequate evidence). Besides these crimes, if a crime is committed against the community rather than an individual or if the crime is of the nature of religious persecution or if the motive of the crime is to spread a wave of terror through the whole community or if the crime is committed against the state, the Qur'an calls it "Fasaad fi al-ardh"[1]. In case of Fasaad fi al-ardh, the Qur'an has given four options for the person administering the punishment. Thus, the punishment may be severe or comparatively soft depending upon the nature of the crime committed and on the various conditions surrounding the accused. The punishments mentioned in the Qur'an , from among which one of the punishments shall be administered are:

Taqteel: Taqteel in the Arabic language means to kill in a very painful manner. One of the methods of taqteel, as adopted in the times of the Prophet (pbuh) was rajam, i.e. stoning to death. Other methods might include killing through the Electric chair etc.

Tasleeb: Tasleeb means to crucify. Crucifixion is the other option given by the Qur'an . Both taqteel and tasleeb are different methods that may be adopted to punish a criminal that in the eyes of the judge deserves no mercy and should not be allowed to live in the society.

Amputation of a hand and a foot: The third option is to cut off a hand and a foot of the criminal. This option shall be administered if the judge feels that the criminal has committed such a heinous crime that even if he is allowed to live, he should be made an example for the other members of the society and should not be allowed to live a normal life.

Banishment: The fourth option given to the judge for punishing such criminals is to banish them from their hometown. This option shall be used for such criminals who, in the eyes of the judge have the potential of correction and who, only due to their bad company in their own land had committed a grave crime.

Punishments for crimes other than those mentioned above shall be determined by the collectivity of the Muslims, through their legislative body. The basic guideline provided by the Qur'an for the determination of the punishments for other crimes is that no crime other than that, which falls under the category of murder or "Fasaad fi al-ardh" can be punished by death. Death sentence can only be administered in these two cases.

In view of the above explanation, it is quite clear that the Shari`ah does not determine the punishment for rape. There may be certain cases of rape, which fall under the category of Fasaad fi al-ardh. In such cases, any of the punishments provided for crimes that fall under this category may be administered, keeping in view the nature of the crime committed, the psyche and various other conditions of the criminal. For cases of rape, that do not fall under the category of Fasaad fi al-ardh, the legislative may, under the stated guideline provided by the Qur'an , decide about the punishment to be administered. This punishment may or may not be the same as stipulated for fornication in the Qur'an . "

Sometimes I am so appalled by the lack of logic, compassion, and understanding of these stupid judges in the Saudi court. I dont understand what kind of kick they get by showing they are so powerful and opressing the weak.

Their defense is that the girl was with a non-mahram and that she brought this onto herself. This kind of bullshit mentality just irks me. First of all, she was in a public place and the law says that you arent supposed to be with a non mahram in private. Secondly even even if it were something not permissible, there is something called compassion, something called humanity.

Isnt your kindness, your religion? Isnt your understanding, your religion? Isnt your actions, your religion?

how can you give such a sentence after all that this girl has gone through! How would they feel if it were there own child has to go through this? When will these people understand? I just dont get it. And why is this sentence so lenient for the 7 rapists. and since when did the judicial court in Saudi decide they can play God. The whole thing just irritates me.

I had an uncle when asked what is the city you would love to live in. He always said Saudi Arabia, since its considered by muslims as the most holy place. This is the opinion of many pple. They have this rosy image. But when things like this happen, the image gets distorted.

Its the worst for women. The restrictions are ridiculous. You cant drive. What if you have no family , what if you are a single women and have no one to depend on and have to work. and may have to drive to work, but you cant coz you arent allowed. Even for Haj which is your right, you need a mahram to accompany you. The law as I would like to blieve was written in terms that there is someone to take care of you and so you are protected.But things have gone a long long way. What if there isnt anyone, how can they prevent you from doing Haj!

SO SO Ridiculous

And you know what is going to happen now ,rather than seeing this as how screwed up the judicial system is in Saudi Arabia, this is going to be blown out in the media here and add to the alread y negative image of Islam. and alllllll because of these idiots.

I do think there is a desperate need to revisit these laws, there is a need to stop taking things as either black or white. My favourite hadith that I believe explains this concept beautifully is the story of the prostitute and the dog. A prostitute while passing by saw a thirsty dog which noone had bothered with. She filled her shoe with water and gave it to the dog. And it is said that God forgave her for all her sins, for that one act of kindness.

If it were upto these idiotic judges they would have probably beaten the prostitute and the dog for accepting water from her.

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covering your eyes requires two palms and more

so i know a little late in the news, but i was reading up about the sanjeev nanda case. case in short, a wharton undergraduate, whose grandfather was head of indian navy and father owns some major corporation that deals with arms. so this guy and his friends run over 7 pple, of which three are cops. the only survivor, the only witness ath the point, goes hostile and says a truck ran over him. the parents of sanjeev nanda, post a humungous amount of bail money so that he can go abroad and study at INSEAD, in France. considered one of the worlds top business schools. fast forward 7 years, the case is still wide open. the prosecution and the defence are all "milawa"( in other words on the same side). the media is the only saving grace, not so much coz they care, but more coz pple want masala, but at least they are doing something. and thats a lot, considering the judicial system in india has gone to the dogs.

and i know this may be a long shot to say but i do think more pple go into corporate law than criminal law coz of less obvious thugs.

but wat also shocks me, is that how well reputed business schools can accept pple like this. is there no background check at all? does it alll come down to money and your connections. on some more googling, i read this interview by the above on some hotel website, now he manages a high end hotel group in India. Not anywhere in this interview was it mentioned about this incident. If you think about it, its a lot of crap, that they teach you in school. Nearly every MBA course has an ethics segment to it, most financial firms have yearly ethics lectures that you ahve to attend. It makes you think, if this guy didnt get into his own family hotel business, he might have ended up working for some financial firm. It makes you think if this guy is so untrustworthy that he cant accept responsibility when he does the ultimate thing of murdering someone, would he be so trustworthy in smaller matters of when things go wrong in the financial world. i think not. what does this say about the education system?is all this so called ethics that we have to follow just a farce? or the fact that one thinks that education is key for yes progress, knowledge, wealth but also for the progression of humanity. it just seems like rubbish now.

i read another article by varsha bhosle, written a while ago, where she correctly states that these kids if they were in the US and had done something like this. That would be it for them. End of career and definetly a long sentence. And so they know it and abide by the rules, coz they know their parents cannot bail them out. But in India, where the sab kuch chalta hai attitude is so prevalent, its a different story altogether. Personally, I do think there is some law and order in the States, even people with a lot of power cant cover all their tracks and end up having to do time. not all i know, but at least there are far more examples of justice here than in India. or even the Gulf. I wouldnt say arab countries are better either.

wat further bothers me is the survivors family and witnesses who go hostile. when i told this story to my sister, her rationale was that if the survivors family is ok with taking the money then perhaps its alrite. coz in all effect its a huge amount for them and can actually make their life better and sadly it may be that they would never be able to make so much. i still think that they should be punished and the survivors family should get compensated too. but then this isnt an ideal world. and that rarely happens.

perhaps sanjeev nanda isnt a goon, perhaps he was just a drunken kid who didnt care and things went horribly wrong and his parents did what all parents do, protect their child. not saying they are doing the right thing. no one is doodh mei dulawa.

but in every situation we are given choices, and sometimes we dont know what the resulting effect the choice has but we do know when we are doing somethign wrong. our conscience guides us.there is no excuse really , one is solely and only responsible for the choice one made/makes. sanjeev nanda should accept responsibility for what he did and face the consequences of his choice. there are no two ways about it.

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"Sapne zaroor dekho. Bas unke poore hone ki ummeed mat rakho" - DDLJ

so at a dinner with friends, we started discussing if it we were without any stress, any responsibility, without parental pressure, basically without worrying where the next pay check comes from, what we would do. and its interesting to see a lot of pple (or maybe its just my friends) are into some form of "creativity". i say creativity in quotations coz there is creativity in everything, even if you own a small bakery/patisserie of some sorts and find a unique way to make your pastries, that is creativity. or if you are a programmer and discovered a new way to structure your code, or created new programs to simplify your work. that again is creativity.

but in the regular sense of what is considered creativity, is the arts. journalism, writing, entertainment, and sometimes even entrepreneurship( i so know this is not hte correct spelling).

so anyway, my dream job which again has varied from since i was growing up. in my preteen to early teenage years i wanted to be a detective (the xfiles kind and not the karamchand jasoos fametypes ) and then a radio jockey and then a journalist but over the last 3 years its been, a movie director or writing a screenplay for hindi movies. (only problem is my hindi isn't good at all) and interestingly my friends want to do interior designing, be a travel documentarist kinds (im sure there is a real word for this), write a book, be a singer, have a business that sells movie star paraphenelia to dumb teenagers/kids (ive been there), have a desi restaurant in a red neck town, soap opera star, talk show host, professional pool player ( i dont really know if there is something like this in reality).

i guess there are very few pple who do their dream job, occassionaly one will hear of so and so who quit their very stable very desi very professional computer programming job to join film school. i think it takes guts. it takes even more guts to realize that when you actually find yourself doing your dream job you a. are not even that good it as you imagined you would be and that you would fit very nicely and everything you do would strike gold and then it doesnt b. that it actually wasn't really your dream and more of a whim.

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p for politically correct.

so the latest thing ive been hearing at work from fellow colleagues is the p word. p for politics. everything gets explained with that word. everything. and sometimes drafting an email, a simple email that explains how things are, (without having to step on anyones toes or to put it euphemistically and literally (both not) without pushing them out on the street (i.e without getting them into trouble) becomes a complicated process. simply put, how transfer of blame can occur without actually taking names, but invisible fingers point, coz everyone still knows who you are.

email can get quite tricky too, since something like "have a nice weekend" can become "heres a boatload of work you have to do, but hey have a nice weekend". pure sarcasm. but sugar coated. ive never really thought of it that way until recently when i was writing an email together with a colleague of mine. and it took us 20 mins to write 3 lines. and it was my first peek into the world of office politics.

and yes, im quite aware of my surrounding, i know this is prevalent everywhere, even though i prefer to live in my little bubble. but i firmly believe if you work hard and do your work correctly because it is YOUR work and because you have pride in it, you can happily live your life without the p word infilitrating your bubble.

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is this part of an illusion?

no one friendship ever stays the same. it changes over time. you change. your friends change. and no matter how hard you try to hold on to the past, the faster it slips away. like holding sand tightly into your palm. and since im instrinsically idealistic, id like to believe that some sand grains remain in your hand, reminding you of your unique friendships.

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Baat dil ki kahoon, Hindustani jo hoon..

so i couldnt blog on independance day (15th august) and the only remotely celebratory thing i did to was read the inside special in Financial Times about India. then there are some elaborate plans to go tommorow to see the Indian Day Parade, where Priyanka Chopra is supposedly attending or something. God knows if thats going to happen. Nobody is that enthusiastic.

I guess its different if you actually are IN the city when independance is celebrated. and sometimes I dont really know what independance means to the newer generation. other than a day off from school and fireworks and bright lights. (of which i never did, coz fireworks were not allowed in dubai and i was never allowed to be part of the cool kids who did them anyway(

even my parents who were too young during the years after independance, dont really feel any "connection" to this day. its the case where if you dont go through it you dont feel it. "rang de basanti-ish" is our attitude. (the earlier part, i mean)

but that doesnt mean everyone feels the same. for some its a remembrance of how after so many years, we still are "qaidi" of own personal demons of race, color, religion, corruption, poverty and greed. for some its a case of looking at others and passing judgement from our own bubble. for some its a painful reminder that an eye for an eye makes everyone blind. for some its a recollection of things that could have been had we not been separated into smaller parts, only to suffer without each other.

its time to accept that whatever has happened has happened. its time to move on and be optimistic. if you dont, you will fall behind. i didnt make those rules, its just the way it is.

for me the strange thing is i grew up in dubai and i lived all my life there. so i could never really associate myself with india. i was very anti india. yes it sounds really horrible. it probably was. i was the spoilt kid who could only associate india with mosquitoes (blame my parnets for taking us there during the monsoon season). and i was the kid who used to cringe when we saw flies in the house and until they were all "eradicated" i couldnt sit in peace. where the guy who would be yelling while selling something early in the morning, would irritate me so much that i remember once actually going out and telling him to stop. ( i was that spoilt) . where i would ask my dad a zillion times "when are we going back". where i would actually lose weight on a holiday to india. the land of relatives and good food. where i would use all tricks in the book to avoid going out to relatives houses or even going to town(bombay main city) for that matter. i have so many stories.

so its a little strange, that when im here now in US. i find that i started speaking hindi more. and i as i grew older, i find that all those things which used to bug me dont matter anymore. i look forward to going to india, and especially during the monsoons. and if someone told me that you would have to move there and actually work there i really wouldnt mind. i like the bustling city, i like the haggling in the sabzi market, i like the joggers park near where we live. the street mess doesnt bug me as much. and i actually want to go to town, panvel and other areas which i never visited and want to see the city not just the touristy places. not only mumbai but even places like calcutta and chennai that ive never gone to. i cant explain why i feel this. well maybe coz i m not now so narrow minded and pathetic. but i feel almost like i belong. and i guess thats the indianness in me. theres a lot of loyalty i have for dubai coz i grew up there but theres also a lot of belonging in india. and theres also a lot of fondness for the US coz thats where i made the greatest friends, had the most opportunity and i guess the place where i first felt independant and felt i have potential to do anything.

ok now that i have rambled like a mad person.

heres the "filmy quote of the day" from someone who im a big fan of (majorly paraphrased). heard it on koffee with karan (ok, i admit i do like that show)

"we, generally keep on talking about generation gap. Generation Gap is generally there becoz there is some kind of lack of respect. If as older pple, we understand there are certain things that our children know and we dont understand.... And, we should be humble enough and honest enough to be able to learn that from them..... And then there are certain things, that YOU better understand, which we know and they dont know. We enrich each other. Then there is no generation gap."
- Javed Akhtar on Koffee with Karan.

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oh how quiet..quiet the world can be..when its just You and little me.

so todays training was about the soft skills that we bring to work. we started off with a personality test based on the four personalities DISC behavior model. so basically, you fall into one or two of the following categories: D (Dominant) I (influence) S (steadiness) C (Conscientiousness). I ended up being a combination of S and C, mainly the perfectionists who are easygoing but have a tough time selling their ideas. the ones who avoid conflicts at all costs.

anyone who knows me will know im far far from the perfectionist. but i do believe some parts are true. im easygoing and will do everything possible to avoid a conflict. the reason is simple. i really dont know how to react. often when im angry i prefer to hang up rather than continue fighting or just leave the room rather than having a showdown and say harsh words. i do say them sometimes . but i just dont like it. and also im really bad at arguing, i tend to forget. i dont forget that im angry. i realize i am still angry and am still quite flushed and upset but i forget why im justified in being angry and i cant explain to the other and it becomes a losing battle and the point i wanted to make is lost. and then like most S personalities we wont really show our feelings to everyone just those who we are close to. and sometimes we brood on it and sometimes we dont. sometimes we realize its best to forget. and sometimes we hope that we can run. and hide.

and i really cant change this personality trait of mine. some pple think we are being "too nice" or in worse terms its equated to "ass-licking". which i really think is a bit unfair or a label.

i think its just really strange that when sometimes you ahve to deal with Dominant personalities. its considered perfectly ok for the dominating personalities to throw their weight around or be rude, abrupt and impatient. its considered ok coz thats "just the way they are"


and that strikes me as really odd. when did being civil to everyone and saying something critical in a nicer way became a bad thing? when did diplomacy become a negative word? when did not hurting pples feelings became a sucking up thing to do and saying it like it is the brave thing to do.

the more i go through these workshops, the more i find that in order to be successful and progress at their firm, its not enough to do an excellent job and be passionate about your work, you have to fill the stereotype that is perceived of "great leaders"

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