dil khei bhi kisi konei mein kuch iradei hai

it would have been
easy
had we known all the
answers

it would have been
comforting
had we said
what each of us wanted
to hear

but.its.not

easy
or
comforting
and maybe thats,
the answer.

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tum saath na do.. toh kya mein kahoon

i think one of the hardest things in life is to be optimistic. so i try. i try my hardest. to be so. i try when things are threatening to fall around me. i still try, albeit a period of brooding, i try. sometimes, i wonder also why i try. i wonder, if things are really meant to be, they will be and why does one have to try so hard shouldn't it all fit into place like your unplanned life to this point.

so, i think i'm letting fear eat me. fear of losing. fear of losing something that i possibly didn't deserve. fear of losing something that i possibly don't deserve. and sometimes its nothing but this fear, this fear of the future that binds you. that stops you from doing what you should do. and what you really want to do.

you know it. but you will not do anything until you realize its too late anyway.

updated: i do realize i sound like a frickin fortune cookie, and no not even those good ones that you keep in your wallet since they made your day. just those random ones, which you will read months later and be like what does this mean..ie what was i even blogging about.

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living beyond the edge

so for the last week or so i have been in atlanta, keeping my sister and the youngest addition to the d family company. i think its really tough being a parent. especially if you live in the nuclear family setting. some may argue the opposite obviously, having to deal with extended family in your face, your inlaws could take a toll on you. but i still think you have the luxury of' me' time which is so important. whereas when you are on your own, you have just you to depend on and simple things like going to watch any random movie, or late night dessert outings are no more an impulse thing and its more of a planned outing. i guess it makes you grow up. [sad for those of us who continue to live in our teenagedom in adulthood] it forces you to become responsible and selfless too. i think most parents do the best job they can, and its only when you are much older and are past the your "parents will never get you" stage that you realize that.

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daastan-e-ishq

i try to think of You everyday
sometimes i think of You
when i am supposed to
and sometimes just like that
when i am sitting in the bus
looking at the orange-blue sky
or
at my niece's birth
or
when i think how perfectly each of us were created

sometimes i forget
and sometimes i remember but still forget
sometimes i am lazy to remember
sometimes i am just busy
sometimes i feel alientated and disconnected

but i still expect
i expect
You to remember me
everyday
i expect
You to not just remember me
but listen to me too.

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how about unabashadely bawling your eyes out?

i watched a pakistani serial called dorahay (cross roads ) last week. In fact, i was so hooked on to it that i watched all 14 episodes in one marathon session. its another thing that i wouldnt recommend this to anyone. since im so not cut out for pulling in all nighters anymore and definetly watching some huge heavy duty dram can totally alter your happiness. but it definetly is addictive. i think its the serial watching gene from my dad. well the good serial watching gene.

anyway the drama is pretty interesting about two mba students that come from different classes of society, the girl rich the guy not so much. the mother of the guy has already made up her mind that the guy will marry his cousin. in turn his cousin spends her whole childhood and teenage years dreaming about her marriage with the guy (her cousin). when he decides to marry his college sweetheart, things get extremely difficult with his mom. jealousy rears its ugly head, and the cousin, who happens to live next door starts creating a mess and misunderstanding. until finally the guy divorces his wife and gets married to the cousin, thanks to her conniving plan. the first wife remarries too, but this time too an abusive psycho controlling guy - she bears it since she doesnt want the stigma of another divorce. thankfully her parents find out and she gets divorced again. the first husband realizes how he screwed up his life and hers and is still in love with her so he ends up leaving the cousin and getting back with his first wife.

the story is so unbelievably real, the dialogues even better. it shows how unbeliveably capable each of us are in absolutely screwing up our lives. each of us can pick out something from this serial. i cried a lot while watching it. there are hardly any light moments in it. and there are many lessons to be learnt from this drama. one that never lose your independence, never trust anyone on face value, there is no such thing as the perfect guy, never ever let anyone treat you like you dont deserve respect, dont tolerate abuse in any fashion, always know what you are getting into - whether a job, a relationship, a marriage - always. never do harm to anyone coz it will come back and bite you in the ass. trust your gut feeling.

one of my favourite scenes is when she breaks down and tell the guy - that she doesnt care who came in the middle, he should have known better. i think that summarizes many reasons why a lot of relationships dont owrk. it never is about the third person, its always about the two pple in it. and the two pple should know better, should be able to say whatever and should be rock solid. it never really is like what you read in books.

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pls dont judge me, i'm only trying.


there is a mosque on the east side some 20 blocks from where i live. in fact its only in the US that i realized that women actually go to the mosque, in the Gulf its really not the norm. but mosques here in the US are quite unique. even in a metropolitan like manhattan, things are so vastly different from what they show in the little mosque at the prairie.

so anyway today, i felt like going, i was going to be reading at a bookstore in that area and was like let me go do my Isha prayers there. i don't normally go and i forget why and today it reminded me why. there were about 20 men i would say in a hugely vast space and three women in this small closet like area, with a curtain. can't see a thing. basically an enclosed space. this is not how it is in mecca. we are all equal and all of us have the same right. well anyway, as i walk in, removed my shoes and decided to take them with me. when i walk into the women's area there was, at first, just one lady and she's like take your shoes and put in the box outside. i nod and just at that moment the azaan starts. and she just lunges at me and is like put your scarf on your head. and even goes to the extent to grab my shawl. at this moment, im just in shock. and politely and firmly i say - i can do it. after i return, she asks me did you pray sunnat already? after that i just felt so conscious, and i could actually feel her eyes boring into me. every motion i did.

im sorry i dont get it. i thought only God judges me. i dont understand why can't people let others be. why do you have to balk at someone who is trying, who is trying to find some peace, why do you spoil their moment by picking up their hand during prayer and motioning to them aggressively that wearing nail polish is no good. (that didnt happen to me but someone i know). just focus on your good deeds, on being a good person - please don't try to judge someone coz someone will judge you too one day.

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"Amor Vole Fe" — Love Needs Faith

What easy used to be

What love used to be

What drugs used to be

What TV used to be

What music used to be

What luck used to be

What art used to be

What you used to be.

Comma drama, come on drawl your skin your mile longer, love song, sure it tells the future, fingers crushed and run 'em under water, shark-infested sea of secrets, in the open fire beat it, broke it, don't believe it, just keep it in it's box.

What the city used to be

What fun used to be

What dreaming used to be

What fame used to be

What fast used to be

What low used to be

What New York used to be.

- The Kills, What New York used to be.

so this weekend i went to the metrop. musuem of art in the city. they are open till 9 pm on weekends. its just awesome, i dont know any mususem anywhere in the world which is open tilll late. new york is truly s a city that does not sleep =).

they had a special exhibition on art & love in renaissance italy. and thats the first wing i saw. i have to say i m not an art expert, but i do appreciate the energy, time and talent that it takes to make a painting. these are paintings which are 3 centuries or more old, so there is definetly an appreciation for people who tried to preserve some of their lives for posterity so beautifully.

and just like today, paintings are the luxury of the rich. and thats exactly what the paintings give insight into, basically the private life of the rich during the 14th and 15th century. there were paintings, jewelery, glassware, that depicted marriage, engagement, courtship, childbirth, parenthood and even adultery. and its pretty amazing that one can learn so much about another culture/period through their paintings.

what i never knew was that the whole practice of dowry is not an asian thing. and is actually borrowed from the europeans and it was existent in 14th century in italy. mumbai, itself, was part of a dowry from the portugese to the british. and i find it pretty weird that the whole system of dowry is traced all the way back to the entire city.

it got me thinking (yes i have way too much time on my hands (NOT)).what happens now exactly? who pays for what in the west? traditionally, the bride's family pays for most of the expenses. this is perhaps a watered down version of the archaic tradition of the dowry system in the early centuries. of course, its no typical dowry as the conventional desi sense. bungla, ghari, motor-wotor ecetra. no such thing. just wedding expenses. although lately a lot of people have moved away from tradition, rightfully so, and now the couple's family divides the expenses equally. and even better, is that some of my friends who got married split the costs between each other, without having their parents contribute at all.

so like the change that has occured in the west, im guessing another 100 years before dowry gets abolished from india. hopefully sooner. recently an article came out in times of india, about a village in kerala, that has pledged to be a dowry free village. that is change. but then you hear about some guy in lucknow shaving his wife's head because of insufficient dowry. and then you think change is so far off. some 6,000 women get killed every year due to dowry demands. it shocks me, its so wrong. so unbelievably wrong. i was recently watching kiran bedis new show on tv, aap ki kacheri, it gave me a splitting headache. the case was pretty simple, two women, sisters, and their fight with their mother in law. who apparently thinks, acha nahin lagta if they go out of the house. so the girls, cannot work and have imposed reclusion at home. and in betweeen their arguments, the mother in law tosses insults like kuch nahin leikar aye types. like its her god given gift. the husbands are even a bigger disgrace. even kiran bedi herself was pissed. she quite smartly was also able to pick out that one of the girls actually got married as a child. and so sonei peh suhaga child marriage too. ridiculous.

i know these are just thoughts and i know i dont have the capacity to change the world and most of the time these are fleeting thoughts. thoughts that make you feel you should do something, thoughts that make you feel guilty for not doing anything. but you forget coz you get involved in your life. but when you do remember you try - you try with small steps. you try to help people who you know and who you think you can help. people who are around you. you might not be able to help everybody. but you try with one person someone who may listen to you. little by little you change their thinking and hopefully others see that and will follow.

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yei new york hai merei yaar, bas ishq mohabat pyaaaaar.

i have been having those moments where im like omigod i have to blog this. this is usually when im work and i can do anything but blog. no thats not true, i cant google/yahoo/aim or anything or check personal email. sad. anyway, work goes fine, apparently the situation is now such that the markets are so bad that people are apparently sick of bad news that it doesnt affect them anymore. and frankly no one cares, no one is looking at their 401 K accounts and whats another 1 billion when Abu Dhabi fund is facing a 125 billion loss. How the hell they manage to blow up so much money is beyond me.

anyway, i have joined the microfinance club at work. so far they need people who write well and can interview high profile executives. i think im too unskilled for the job. no seriously. i am. i honestly dont know why i want to get into microfinancing, people who are usually in this have a solid idea. I haven't even started to read Yunus's Creating a world without poverty book. I just know that i want to do something good. i just know that I want to do something meaningful. especially when everything related to finance is equated to corruption. hell, even good ole desis in IT are now looked with suspicion. ok this is all in my head. desis are those diligent worker bees and barring desi politicians they are the only glimmer of hope for our country. i mean im the firm believer indian schools, indian corporate houses work work work and work hard. Im willing to bet all my full year salary that the CBSE system is much harder than British American education system. I know this since when I started undergrad, everyone (all desis) in my class found everything a breeze and had been coding since 7th grade. even if i studied all night i would never reach that level. the schools work their students to the extreme. the corporates work their workers to the limit. when i was back in dubai, in a firm full of desis, mostly mumbaites who play the game, and know the game. i would be the first one to leave and would be looked on as a slacker. and would be made to feel like crap coz of it. but ironically here im the last. and thats only coz im desi and the others arent. =) hahaha. but i dont let anyone feel bad for having a life. theres a big difference. and my whole belief is that the only thing stopping us from ruling the world is a way out of control population and scheming conniving politicians. oh and religious facists.

at least i thought so before the satyam scandal broke loose.

i dont know how this will affect outsourcing in the long run. maybe it will be okay two months down the road, maybe worse - who really knows. But, at least i now know that there is a crook for every geek. Worse comes to worst, multinationals will move to china, there was an article on this in businessweek. It might be bad in the short run and good in the long run. I have always been very two sided about this whole call center mushrooming in India. As much as Im a fan of put on accents, thats not really my bone of contention. I think call centers are dumbing down the nation. I know, a very controversial statement to make. Since, its brought out a lot of boom in the country, now 20 somethings dont have to wait till their 40s to actually spend money. They hang out at baristas, have fancy dinners, enjoy going to multiplexes and can afford to buy a car etc. they are making good money relatively to someone who spent years in uni doing post grad. but i will still argue, making money so, relatively easy, will be the achilles heel. a cousin of mine didnt graduate and decided screw college, let me get into call centers. he is doing well for himself, i wont argue with that. not everyone who goes to college is successful. but his brother now is tempted to the same, and drop his first choice of law. another way to see it, if you have money down the road, you can actually go back and do whatever you want - that which you couldnt get into due to lack of money - be it a post MBBS surgical residency or a film school. and after accumulating money you can go back and do it. and if you never went back, then you simply werent interested in it and is there any point in doing a degree in it in the first place?
or perhaps the time has passed and who really wants to be 25 sitting with a bunch of 18 year olds.

khayr, i pass no judgement, i just give my opinion.

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mein jahan rahoon. kahin bhi rahoon. yaad saath hai.

so im no intellectual. not even the pseudo-intellectual types. i like things which make sense and somehow make some connection with me. im loving maximum city by suketu mehta. i just started reading it, and each paragraph so far is like a gem in its own. what stands out for me so far: the epiphany that one has staring at oneself in the mirror but not really looking at yourself, one or perhaps two major life altering events ,that happen to everyone, and that will ultimately change what you become, forever. and my favourite jahan bhi jao, kitnei bhi dur, par ghum phir kei wohi pohch jaana. =)

getting back to the book. will return to blog some more.

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the people who suffer the most, dont know what they want - Grey's anatomy

so i had my perf review done, and it went well. thats an understatment actually, considering my recent obsessing/paranoia about job loss.. BUT it really isnt over till its over and the last quarter is far from that.

well anyway, my boss was super generous and my mom is now convincing me that she has to forward my "glowing" review to all her friends, who show off about their kids. this is like giving her an edge. she already has an edge, all of us girls are educated and my eldest sibling is an excellent gynaecologist and will one day be super famous too. i dont think so, i know so. she is the first kid in our whole lineage to actually do something that big. so anyway back to my story, again rewind - i kind of pointed out to my mom that umm so..what.. you are comparing me to a 13 year old eton college goer...and so my answer to the forwarding my review is.. how about a no?

anyway my boss really was great and he gave me a kind and awesome review like he probably will for everyone else because he is so awesome (more gushing). mashallah to that. and i really didnt expect such nice remarks. after the review, i didnt really grovel and maybe i should have. maybe i should have said thank you so much for this review. but i suck at compliment taking and i suck at compliment giving as well -sometimes. and sometimes i just think a nod is sufficient and sometimes you just dont have to say everything, right? that being said that doesn't mean i dont love it. both the compliment giving or taking. it makes you feel good. but i just suck at it.

so colleagues asked me did you have your review,and since it was kind of secretive type thing i was like err...yea and then they were like ooh sneaky (isnt a perf review the years most certain event never mind everything else? how is that remotely sneaky?) and of course they wanted to know my scores. and so i had my stick up for myself but make myself look stupid moment, where i go im not really comf discussing this. at first they were zapped that i said that and then they smirked, yes smirked, and one of them is like you are making this so formal. and im thinking hell yea - formal is what you should be if you are at work. but of course i dont say that and am thinking of some smart but not mean comeback and he goes on and on about how we are blah blah blah then just robots . and im actually not listening to him coz im thinking of the smart-but-not-mean comeback and then just catch on the last part of the robot and im like did you just call me a robot? and then the other colleague chimes in and goes i think he just did. and then he goes on this whole spiel of how im one of those kids who never told anyone their scores in college. i didnt. never asked anyone their scores in college. yup, i didnt. and then i chime in - or their salaries. sorry again, i didnt. im sorry, im just not that nosy. well i am a little nosy but not THAT nosy. oh wait i am, i need a new phrase. yes, im selectively nosy. some things are just sacred. i truly believe you compete with yourself. of course i would like to know if im at bottom of the heap or whatever but I dont particularly care what YOU got whether you got a A+, C+, D+ or a F. i care if I got a F and if I did how do I get to a A. so anyway i end up looking like a smart ass now . my other sibling who is so much more adept at handling confusing situations said i should have resorted to exaggeration and been like I got top rating in everything. whcih is unattainable. so they say. so they kind of would know that i dont want to tell them, but it would still be this whole kidding kind of atmosphere. But no I have to go with the uncomfortable-make-this-awkward thing. which is very loserish really and so not wing man team member persona and that is sad coz I do think I am a team member in fact I would really like it if our team did super well. so it ended with one of my colleagues calling me im 'trying' to be mysterious. Ok, whatever

wish i could be more witty, all witty statements come to me five mins after. that is my edge.

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a thousand splendid moons

so im not really that knowledgeable on politics, but i really cant understand what is it about power that makes people do what they do. in other words why would benazir bhutto after being exiled, after having seen the nawaz sharif episode where he was sent back to saudi, after having received many death threats, after being in the middle of several controversies, after facing the possibility of being jailed etc, why would she decide to come back?
i really dont get it.
and i dont even understand why her party would spend millions on her "homecoming" when they can spend that same money on something more constructive. i mean isnt that enough reason not to vote for her party.
what is it about power that makes pple go a little mad. its not just the big power i talk about. even small things like attending recruiting events, where you are on the other side now and graduate students approach you and try to impress you by asking you some "insightful" questions. and no matter what you say,pple hang on to pretty much every word you say. and though you knew you really arent that powerful in terms of hiring them, you feel good that pple think you can.

sometimes power is more to do with what others perceive of you and not so much the power that you are "given".

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waqt ki qaid mein, zindagi hai magar..chand ghadiyan yehi hain, jo aazad hain

Started reading Dante Alighieri again. one of my biggest regrets is selling my norton anthology of literature. but it was a time when i was a student and after having blown up my budget in the beginning of the month i was left with zilch for the last 10 days. hard lesson to learn. and a new copy is just not the same as my scribbled on, highlighted, note written on the side, tageared comfortable version. nevertheless, the matter doesnt change and here is some excellent wisdom from "Divine Comedy".

There is no greater pain than to remember, in our present grief, past happiness.

Be like a solid tower whose brave height remains unmoved by all the winds that blow; the man who lets his thoughts be turned aside by one thing or another, will lose sight of his true goal, his mind sapped of its strength.

Your earthly fame is but a gust of wind that blows about, shifting this way and that, and as it changes quarter, changes name.

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aaj puri azaadi

so im sure lot of pple have heard of jerry seinfeld's famous joke of a poll where they found that more pple are afraid of public speaking than skydiving. in other words you would rather be the person whose dead than the person who is giving the eulogy.

im afraid of public speaking, im the person whos heart beats faster by the second and if its really quiet you can actually hear it. i just find it weird hearing my voice and having a roomful of pple hearing it too. its almost like having an out of body experience.

however, i do think i hide my fear pretty well. but in order to be a great and engaging speaker, its not enough to hide the fear. the goal is to conquer it and forget that you are presenting and people are judging you.

todays workshop was focusing on your public speaking skills. and what struck me as pretty funny and strange at the same time, nearly everyone said that they felt nervous. even those who you think are extremely well spoken and confident. it almost reinforces the fact that the only thing you need to fear is fear itself. no one really cares and everyone is as scared as you.

its good to know. heres some things i learnt and perhaps they may help others who come across this post.

1. fill the umms ...errrs.. and aahhs with pauses.
2. its OK to pause. in fact you SHOULD pause. allowing things to sink in.
3. the faster your delivery, the more junior level you depict
4. move your hands (ive always moved my hands when talking and it used to irritate my parents a lot. its funny how you have to unlearn everything you have learnt sometimes)
5. maintain eye contact and not too superficially, try and focus on one person at a time, then another. rather than skipping over quickly.
6. try to make the style slightly conversational
7. keep it simple dont overwhelm with superlative words.
8. ask questions, tell your stories if you have any. and only add jokes if you can pull it off well.
9. practice, practice practice
10. smile. a lot.

so these points are what i got out of the workshop. quite a few i faltered on espeically the umms. and errs..and pauses. i talk really fast when im nervous. like i want to get it over and done with. and i got a lot of feedback and towards the end i felt my nervousness become a little less.
The class was really sweet to me and i ended up getting quite a few positive criticisms and was told that they find me trustworthy and my gentle and smily demeanour is quite pleasant. this is a big relief to me, since banking professionals especially women have to project a more louder personality in order to be appreciated. but thats just not me. and as much as i try its hard for me to be something im not. and sometimes when someone comments its good to be yourself, you feel good.

point of this random verbose tale: be yourself and be sincere. no matter what anyone says.

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you're beautiful... its true.

Hanging out. Down the street.
The same old thing, we did last week!
Not a thing to do, but talk to you!
We're all alright..We're all alright!

- That 70's song

they say relationships are difficult. i, sometimes agree and sometimes i really dont. i often think that we get many a signs and we actualy have all the "clues" and we have all the pieces we need to make the puzzle and therefore see the clearer picture.

but often we dont see it coz we dont want to.

a friend of mine recently was very mistreated by someone she used to "see", and as much as i sympathize with her , i couldnt understand why after being rebuffed so many times in a very cold way she still went through round after round of humiliation. and even after i gave her the sympathy talk, the no nonsense talk, the angry talk she did the same thing over again and faced more humiliation again. the more it happened, the more her confidence level went down. and seriously if someone doesnt treat you nicely, they really are not worth even thinking about.

i guess there is only so much you can say or do for someone, after that its upto them. and perhaps its the bitter truth but some pple prefer to realize it the hard way.

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kehtai hai na jo hota hai, achei kei liyei hota hai.....(they say rite, that whatever happens happens for the best)

ive always wondered if this were true. are the pple who say this eternal optimists or are they just more experienced in life and really do know what they are talking about. or is it just like how forest gump says its a box of assorted chocolates and you just never know what is going to happen next. so wheres the question of best and worst? =)

onto lesser falsifi things (philosophical). i absolutely love traveling in trains. after traveling for a month, i cant seem to get over the fact how different each of us are. and despite traveling the same route everyday, i rarely ever see the same person again. and what strikes me as well is that in a city filled with so many pple theres hardly anyone who is wearing the same clothes or even a combination that is somewhat similar. each of us have a different soch. but many of us have similar goals. we are all so alike but yet so so so different.

onto another debatable question. i wonder what pple think of having registries at ones wedding. on one hand i think this is your wedding and its you making the choice to have that wedding. and its great you want your close ones at your wedding, but asking someone to shell out so and so much for your day is a bit much. again, it depends on your relationship to the person getting married. and perhaps its ok to ask what you really like from your friends. on the other hand, isnt it better to just tell pple what you would like rather than having someone give you something you dont like or having them rack their brains on what to give you.

now for more tangential topics. i read this article somewhere about these IIT coaching classes. A topper in the IIT entrance exam was offered money by a certain coaching class if they could use his name in their ad. The price was upped to 15 lakhs and the boys father said they would have even gone upto 25 lakhs. The boy refused and said no. and didnt want to give credit where credit is not deserving.

When I told my mom this story, she said its sad and is indeed a form of corruption and it was good on the boy to refuse it,but answering my typical-what-would-you-do-if-it-were-u-question, she said if it were her she would have taken the money. i think i may have done it too. If you are hardworking you are going to do well even if you go to a shitty coaching class. I think shes right in a way, its a bonus if you are smart but hardwork takes you a long way. with that comes success and many a opportunities to do good things for others. each his own. there are no right and wrong answers.

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just coz..

yesterday we saw maine gandhi ko nahi mara. when i asked N to pick it up from the movie store, he laughed and said what? toh phir kisnei . kya aisee movie waqi mein hai? after watching the movie, i can say its easily one of the better hindi movies ive seen ever. the story is simple about a man who is supposedly suffering from alzhiemers disease and he thinks he has killed Mahatma Gandhi. the story deals with how the family (daughter and sons) have to deal with their fathers slowly fading memory and then this added dementia. the way that people who you thought were so close to you suddenly give up on you (in true cowardly fashion) in the face of some obstacles. its everyone story. but you have to learn from this and move on. anupam kher and urmila are excellent as the father and daughter.

its a really touching story and i feel for all parents when i watch this movie. many a times you get so irritated with your parents and you tend to say things in frustration or you crib to another that your parents just dont get it. and even though you do love your parents and you do know that you have to be patient and that you will feel guilty as hell after the argument [irrespective of whether you are right or wrong], you still get impatient for that moment. many a times you tend to think that your parents are invincible and nothing can touch them. and then slowly things change. and the roles start reversing. and no matter how much you deny it, it happens and sometimes you cant stop things from happening. its always hard on a child to see their parent physically weak, but its so much harder for the parent to see themselves like that....

on a more lighter note,i was reading gulf news and saw this article about everyday heros. this is the nicest thing i have read in a long time. Ashwani Gogia, a manager in Dubai, giving free tuition in English to labourers after work hours. and the labourers, despite having very little free time, wanting to learn English. This is what Gogia says "I cannot afford much, so sometimes I miss my dinner to give notebooks and pencils to my students. When they learn, my students become more confident in their work and everyday life here in Dubai. They can go to the bank, the doctor and explain themselves, they can ask for directions or read the bus numbers. Suddenly they can be understood." when you read things like this it gives you inspiration to do something good. =)

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the written word

yesterday i visited an investment firm in dxb. after a few moments an elderly gentleman came in and was seated next to me. While talking to the manager, the manager asked if he had an account with so-n-so bank and he said yes he did and his publishers usually send him his royalties there.

at the words publishers and royalties i became very curious. in my head, i kept wondering what did he write, have i read anything by him? should i ask? what if i ask and dont know what hes written? what would i say? what if i ask and actually DO know what he has written? curiosity got the better of me and i asked him, "are you an author?" [in other words, sir i was eaves dropping on your conversation. ] he gave me a smile and said yes i write about pharmachology and chemistry. after he said it, i didnt have a disappointed expression on my face, but i felt it. i did smile back. then he proceeded to ask me are you doing chemistry? i laughed and said no sir, im doing blah blah. hes like i have been writing since before you were born.

that was enough to awe me! and i was like wow. and then asked do you write textbooks? he said yes, a bit. now when i have googled him [all hail google] i notice he has done lot of research, written many a research papers and won many awards and is the department head at a university.

this got me thinking many a times in school at university, we have to buy these textbooks and most of the time its not by choice. at least in my house none of us even read the foreward written by the author. and sometimes we end up buying lots of books just by their titles and we dont even recall who the author is. forget knowing anything about the author. and among my friends too none of us have ever written to an author of any of our textbooks/or even any book that we read and thanked them for a book well written or showed any kind of gratitude.

theres just this one time i remember in my first year at uni, i had read one of the chicken soul for the soup books (books on inspiration life love etc) and there was this one story typical popular sports captain(jock) likes the class nerd. however they keep their relationship a secret, because he is embarassed by her and how she is not considered popular and all that. and his friends make fun of her and in the end he doesn't stick up for her and admit that he is dating her. so they break up and he writes this incident and says that if she is reading he is sorry that he ever did that and that he spent the best moments of his life with her. forward a number of years he is now a sports editor of some magazine. being somehwat of a romantic, i emailed him and said you know why dont you try contacting her and maybe she feels the same way. i was very happy with myself for giving this "brilliant advice" and kept imagining in my head that they will reunite and they will thank me in their wedding speech. i am so velaaaa(jobless) sometimes. he emailed back saying that he did meet her(the her being the class nerd) once sometime ago and she forgave him but now he is engaged to another wonderful person. something like that. [a big puchka for me.] so much for me playing cupid. however, im sure he felt good that someone cared enough to write him an email about his story. ive never done anything like that after that. i hope i dont forget this and everytime i read anything i really like or even if its a topic i dont like but is well written i hope i remember to express appreciation. even if it ends up making me look dumb.

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"This is still better"

on the weekend we watched a movie called rehguzar, starring jimmy shergill. its a story about an individual who makes it big and the backdrop is dubai in the movie. its been shot in labour camps. so, i had huge expectations from this movie since 1. its shot in dubai. 2. the video-walla said so, well he said that about apna sapna money money. and i really dont want to start on that. 3. its shot in dubai. =).

ok, so the verdict the movie sucked big time. the acting is terrible, especially the actress.but theres a scene in the movie where she is supposedly doing a documentary on labour camps in dubai and takes a picture of the actor and he gets mad. it reminded me so much of this time in the US when my mom was taking a picture of a homeless guy on the street and he got wild and ran towards my mom to take away the camera. and my mom was wearing a sari so she couldnt exactly bolt into the car either. it was a pretty scary sight. and my dad quickly intervened and apologized. and then the dude asked for cash. my dad gave him a dollar and then he (homeless guy) gestured to my mom take more pics. :0)

however, theres a certain apathy that sets in when you get older. when i was young, when we were in turkey. i remember there was this elderly man selling napkins and me and my sister felt so bad we gave him our pocket money and when the poor fellow gave us the napkins in exchange we didnt take it. when we used to visit india we used to have a purse full of petty change specially to give those who used to beg on traffic lights. or if we went to haji ali. and we would always make eye contact with them and always feel sad. its so different when you are older, its almost like youve become immune to it and you see everyone in the same light. you try to rationalize things that "why cant they work, they are fit enought, they just dont want to. begging is easier". very different from when you were a kid and you took things on face value.

in dubai its very different, theres no begging on the streets. so you dont face that guilt. im saying guilt for a lack of better word. its probably not guilt but that feeling you get that you arent in that position. coz u were lucky not to have been born into it. when i came to the US, to my shock, there were homeless people. in the worlds most powerful country. and shockingly some were coz of their own will. once, i was with a friend and we saw these two teenage girls who were obviously homeless. my friend started talking to them where what why etc. both run away from home. drop outs from school. one of them had run away with her boyfriend, the other one just didnt want to stay in the countryside anymore and wanted to be in the city. most of their money went into smoking pot. but were still begging coz they hadnt eaten in two days. my friend took me aside and was like listen can we treat them to lunch. i was like huh? part of me was like why should i buy lunch for these girls who are totally undeserving. and have so to say done "apnei per mein kulari marna". then part of me was like stop being so cheap and its ok. "kisikei pet mein gaya" so its alrite. its the thought that counts. so we treated them and then later when they were done eating. they didnt thank us and my friend who is part of a religious church gave them this invitation to a church get together. at first, i was very cynical and was like she only treated them so they would come to the meeting. or like initially when we became friends she would urge me a lot to come to these get togethers. but when i thought about it, whats the harm in going. one theres so much to learn in this world. why should one remain ignorant. and when i did go, it was very interesting lot of the things that were said were so similar to islam. and plus you have interesting dialogues and peoples and your misconceptions are cleared. and i got one thing out of it is that all faiths teach the same basic thing that one is to be good and do good. and perhaps by coming to these meetings the girls have a change of heart and decide to go back to school. basically what im trying to say is there is good in everything. its just upto your perception.

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thats just the way it is

"i do desire we be better strangers"

- shakespeare

they say that one's hairdresser/ beautician etc is your pseudo psychiatrist. some movies have depicted this also. like rahul bose's "everybody says im fine". i wonder, what is it that makes you say things, things that you wouldn't tell most pple, soemtimes not even your best friend, but you would tell someone you meet probably once or perhaps twice a month. or like these internet relationships (both friendships and romantic) . that you tell someone you have never even met, things you've never told anyone. this doesnt stop here. its extended to your family physician, your dentist, the person you sat next to on a flight whose name you cant even remember. but you remember their story of their disinterested husband and his not wanting to grow up and accept responsibility. you remember that you smiled sadly, you remember that you said words of encouragement that things would inshallah get better for them. words that you did mean. but you remember that once the flight was over, you forgot their problems and dealt with your own. you remember you probably will never see that person again. and if you ever do, you remember that you cant even remember how they look like.

so what is it, that makes one tell people they hardly know important things about oneself. and i mean really dont know, what makes them tell things so near and dear to their heart to a somehwat ajnabee. at the clinic today, a mother came in with her daughter. one of my parents old patients. her mother wanted my mother to talk with her about things that were troubling her (i.e the daughter). while her mother waited outside, my mom asked and the daughter told. but she wouldnt tell her own mom. maybe coz its harder to tell your own and expect them to understand, since perhaps you feel they wont give you their honest opinion coz they would be biased. perhaps maybe you just need to get a fresh opinion from someone who will be impartial. perhaps the stranger will be more sensitive to your issue. perhaps all you want is not to be judged.

after the appointment my mom told her mom that shell be fine and to let her deal with it and not to worry. and that was it. and after i asked my mom what did the daughter say, she didnt tell me either. stupid hippocrates oath and all that. bah. in reality, i do respect that. every profession has their rules of ethics. like my friend who wont tell me which company will go ipo, never giving me the benefits of insider trading. but has no qualms in telling his dentist or hair dresser, im sure. =)

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kehta hai, babul

sumundaron ka paani koi na pi saka

akela khaara jivan koi na ji saka

kehta hai baabul

o meri bitiya

tu to hai mere

jigar ki chitthiya

katega kaise lamha

tere bina bata

jiunga kaise tanha

tere bina bata

- from the movie Baabul

recently one of our aquaintances daughter ki baat paki hogaye and is getting married. her mom in conversation mentioned now that dsf is going on she will start buying gifts for the pairamani (spelling!) (ie gifts to the grooms family ) and for her daughters dahej. (gifts to her daughter) muslim aur dahej? strange? no,not really. the problem is its already interserped within the culture this notion of you have to give something to the grooms family and you have to give something to your daughter. otherwise it looks bad. earlier they used to display the stuff on a bedspread and relatives would come and examine and pass judgement. obviously, becoz they are such "experts", no? i just dont get it how its anyones business. theres lot of arguments against this. i know pple want to give their children something and i know pple like to give something as a token of affection to the other family. but then what happens when you give something which is below their expectation. or perhaps what you get is not as nice as what you gave. i.e below ure expectation. are we all mature enough to appreciate anything wat may be. and perhaps you forget to gift someone in the lambi chori list of gifts to the groom's family/bride's family. then someone feels bad. its just a lot of unnecessary stress both emotional and financial on parents and even on the children.

i know slowly and surely this is changing. recently a friend of mine got engaged and when i asked him what you going to gift your inlaws. and he said perhaps a vase. i was like. err, thats all? hes like yes i dont want to burden them unncessarily and pressurize them to give me or my family something.

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